Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   won't break your heart, but I will stunt your growth and limit your potential.

   adopted a white dog the other day and named him Stains. Now I can yell "Come Stains, Come Stains" out my front door!

   not stalking you. By the way, you are out of sugar.

   When I grow up I want to be a pillow ...they get to lie in bed and get head all night

   my girlfriend just started smoking. Should I slow down and use a lubricant?

   Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

   Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

   Facebook.........its not a website, its a lifestyle

   really wonders why if Jimmy cracked corn and nobody cared....why did they write a song about him?

   Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, most of us would have never been born.

   Is it just me, or did former First Lady Barbara Bush remind you of George Washington? Just askin'...

   Bull fighting in Spain has been outlawed due to protests from animal rights activist. Not to worry, the bulls will have a new career when people can once again enjoy them. The Arby's 5 for 5.95 deal.

   I guess having voices in your head isn't so bad if it's James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman.

   I like that Dollar General store because you don't have to get all dressed up like you do when you go to Walmart.

   Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

   I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

   If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

   "Follow your heart" is the biggest bunch of bullsh*t Ive ever heard!!!

   Things are always better when you get a pat on the Butt!!!!

   "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall"