Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took my dog for a bike ride today . . . it's a two-seater and he pedaled as well as I did.

   Would it be legal to have a VERY loud duck-call in place of the more conventional car-horn..if it was operated in the same way?

   look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   If you can't find your wife or GF at the mall, just start talking to the hottest girl you see and she'll appear out of nowhere.

   At the job interview today, they asked me why I left my last job. I said, "Well, the boss asked if he could see me in his office." I said, "Only if he got fired or was transferred."

   If taking cat naps at work as often as I do had anything to do with it, then I'm pretty sure I can sleep my way to the top.

   Bill Cosby is in JAIL-O

   My piano playing must be improving, as my neighbours have broken all my windows so they can hear me better!!

   Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?....any scholars out there?

   No one has a good time with you unless you pay them. And yes, they were laughing at you.

   Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.

   I have the heart of a child. It's in a jar of formaldehyde in my basement.

   "I'm afraid to fly"...flies all over the world and racks up a ton of frequent flier miles lol

   When I was a kid I thought I would never grow up to be the type of person to go out running every morning. And I was right.

   I’m, like, 3 showers and an intervention away from getting my life together.

   Instead of testing products on animals, how about testing on people who don’t say thank you after you hold the door open for them. Just a suggestion.

   I'm pretty certain I'll never be a serial killer, since I don't have a middle name!

   Sept.29 Nickelodeon (kids tv channel) world wide day of play. Turn the kids TV off and send them outside to play.

   Ciick-fil-a surprises Florida man for his 100th birthday with free food for life.