Funny Status Messages

   Won't go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for "spider life span" reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.

   I'd tell you what I'm doing but I've learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."

   Doing my weekly Anti-virus scan, my laptop is a slut.

   Constipation is like teenage love: can't sleep, can't eat, and it hurts when it leaves you.

   There is nothing worse in the World than sitting on the toilet and getting splash back.

   I love sleep so much that its the first thing I think about when I wake up....

   hey girls! if you're boyfriend sparkles and doesn't want to have sex with you, he's not a vampire. He's gay!

   Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

   I was going to watch the new Jersey Shore season but decided it would be easier on my eyes to just pull them out of their sockets with a pair of pliers.

   Don't teach your children the value of a dollar because if they find out , they'll ask for two.

   glad McDonald's doesn't have hotdogs, she doesn't think she could order a McWeiner with a straight face.

   I drink to make other people interesting...

   wonders how people who work in BubbleWrap factories get ANY work done at all.

   If the world really was going to end in 2012, the bankers would find some way to "stall" it....they ain't going to let people get away with not paying their 25 year mortgages.

   I wish it sounded less gay when I said at last nights BBQ that "i'm craving a wiener." oh well, live and learn.

   Today's status is brought to you by the letters T G I F...

   spotted a few cornballs on his friends list...

   Whats the first? That little drop of water that makes it back up in there before you can squeeze it shut.

   whats the second quickest thing in the world? Your butthole closing after letting go of a turd.