Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can finally sympathize with women after I had to make a CVS trip at 2 am because my XBOX controller ran out of batteries.

   Wanna have some fun? Ask a really stoned person to say the word indubitably.

   You know you're a redneck when you go to Walmart and take pictures of yourself.

   A man sitting in church writes a note to his wife: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"...She writes back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

   When I start to trip and fall, I just turn it into a dance. "Sorry, can't control the funk."

   No, really, I can't afford to be hungover tomorrow. I mean, unless you're buying, of course.

   It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports.

   Won't go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for "spider life span" reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.

   I'd tell you what I'm doing but I've learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."

   Doing my weekly Anti-virus scan, my laptop is a slut.

   Constipation is like teenage love: can't sleep, can't eat, and it hurts when it leaves you.

   There is nothing worse in the World than sitting on the toilet and getting splash back.

   I love sleep so much that its the first thing I think about when I wake up....

   hey girls! if you're boyfriend sparkles and doesn't want to have sex with you, he's not a vampire. He's gay!

   Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

   I was going to watch the new Jersey Shore season but decided it would be easier on my eyes to just pull them out of their sockets with a pair of pliers.

   Don't teach your children the value of a dollar because if they find out , they'll ask for two.

   glad McDonald's doesn't have hotdogs, she doesn't think she could order a McWeiner with a straight face.

   I drink to make other people interesting...