Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5728 of 6370
A man sitting in church writes a note to his wife: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"...She writes back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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07-30-2010 14:46
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When I start to trip and fall, I just turn it into a dance. "Sorry, can't control the funk."
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07-30-2010 14:44
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No, really, I can't afford to be hungover tomorrow. I mean, unless you're buying, of course.
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07-30-2010 14:43
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It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports.
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07-30-2010 14:43
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Won't go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for "spider life span" reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
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07-30-2010 14:42
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I'd tell you what I'm doing but I've learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
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07-30-2010 14:41
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Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
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07-30-2010 14:41
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Doing my weekly Anti-virus scan, my laptop is a slut.
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07-30-2010 14:40
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Constipation is like teenage love: can't sleep, can't eat, and it hurts when it leaves you.
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07-30-2010 14:39
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There is nothing worse in the World than sitting on the toilet and getting splash back.
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07-30-2010 14:38
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I love sleep so much that its the first thing I think about when I wake up....
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07-30-2010 14:36
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hey girls! if you're boyfriend sparkles and doesn't want to have sex with you, he's not a vampire. He's gay!
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07-30-2010 14:25 by geez
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Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
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07-30-2010 14:11
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I was going to watch the new Jersey Shore season but decided it would be easier on my eyes to just pull them out of their sockets with a pair of pliers.
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07-30-2010 13:31
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Don't teach your children the value of a dollar because if they find out , they'll ask for two.
glad McDonald's doesn't have hotdogs, she doesn't think she could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
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07-30-2010 11:52
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I drink to make other people interesting...
wonders how people who work in BubbleWrap factories get ANY work done at all.
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07-30-2010 11:28
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If the world really was going to end in 2012, the bankers would find some way to "stall" it....they ain't going to let people get away with not paying their 25 year mortgages.
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07-30-2010 10:54 by collin
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I wish it sounded less gay when I said at last nights BBQ that "i'm craving a wiener." oh well, live and learn.
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07-30-2010 10:53
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