Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it that kids these days can shift their gender but cannot shift a manual transmission?

   Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.

   In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me "what is in cells?" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

   Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?

   I wonder if Yoda from Star Wars last name was “Layeehoo”.

   He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too!

   FISA documents being released. I suspect tissue sales are about to go up.

   Most all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as the head of household.

   It's not the fall off a tall building that kills you. It's the sudden stop.

   Are conjoined twin girls joined at the hip called hipsters?

   I miss the good old days when I used to think T-mobile was a rapper.

   I'm holding cheerleader try outs for my "Fantasy football team". Full outfits are encourage but not necessary.

   Dear friends older than 37: You don't have to put 2 spaces after the period anymore. That was for the typewriter era. You're free.

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   I don't have any Emmys but I Have 2 Grammys ....they're both dead

   BOSS: I don't consider myself wastefull *** BOSS 5 minutes later: prints a 137 page report because he needs the last two pages

   I can drive a woman wild with my tongue! I say..‘Have you put weight on?’

   I'm far from distancing my self from anything.

   My wife and I have doggie style sex. I sit up and beg for it. And she rolls over and plays dead.

   I really didn't need to know that Toad thing from Mario Kart.