Funny Status Messages

   Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.

   Someone asked me why I hold so much anger in my heart. I said it's because I am running out of places to keep it.

   A Prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp “No sex for the first 7 days..just wanks!” She asked.. “Why only wanks?”..her pimp said.. “Union rules!..you gotta work a week in hand!”

   My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.

   children today have no idea what a game-changer smart phones and internet are. When I was a kid it was almost impossible to find nude photos of the First Lady.

   If you date both men & women and still can't get into a relationship are you technically bi-yourself?

   Now if you will excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.

   Rule #1 in marriage. If she not happy you won't be happy.

   Alexa, play back the last 45 minutes of this argument so we can prove who said what.

   In these days of technological advancement, it’s advisable to record all arguments with a woman so you can at a later date prove who said what. Women are very good at denying what they said.

   Yesterday, accompanied my wife to the Louis Vuitton showroom and was shocked to find that..My salary was printed on a shoe !!

   The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on

   You far-rights and far-lefts are really screwed up people. Thank God I'm in the middle.

   I wonder of the #MeToo movement folks realize that most people born before 1995 see the "#" sign as the "pound"

   Ladies: There is a new dating service that’s packed full of the most handsome and trustworthy men. The best part is its FREE! No need to pay or sign up for a membership to access the friend zone where you left them.

   it ok to taser other people's screaming kids in the supermarket? Asking for me

   The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”

   Service so bad the waitress owes you money

   I'm not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

   Take the guesswork out of romance by dying alone.