Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon wife [with me in a headlock] Stop saying “Dilly dilly”
←Rate | 04-12-2018 13:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I'd love to be your widow, someday" - me flirting
←Rate | 04-12-2018 13:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a double agent goes rogue. At long last looks like Trump has turned on his Russian handlers.
←Rate | 04-12-2018 14:37 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I did 5 squats today so if you catch me looking a little thick tomorrow don't be alarmed
←Rate | 04-12-2018 14:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ;) A mistress is someone between a mister and a mattress
←Rate | 04-13-2018 02:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dad is afraid to sleep by himself. When my mom went to vist aunt, dad had the lady from next door come over and sleep with him.
←Rate | 04-13-2018 02:59 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon Arguing with your wife is like buying a lottery ticket. You probably won't win but you still give it a try.
←Rate | 04-13-2018 04:50 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon When my son got his driver's license. He ask if I would get him something cheap to run around in. So I got him a pair of Keds sneakers.
←Rate | 04-13-2018 05:07 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever
←Rate | 04-13-2018 05:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Farting is an excellent example of faith. You are not 100% certain that something extra won't come out but still you push
←Rate | 04-13-2018 05:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope one day The Rock opens a restaurant so I can finally smell......What the Rock is cooking
←Rate | 04-13-2018 05:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon FACT : A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast
←Rate | 04-13-2018 05:09 Comments (2)  

   messageicon At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.
←Rate | 04-13-2018 07:55 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Give a man a beer and he will entertain you. Hold a man's beer and it will show up on YouTube.
←Rate | 04-13-2018 09:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Zuckerberg - the only time this year we've seen somebody apologise, and it wasn't for sexual harrasment!
←Rate | 04-13-2018 14:51 Comments (1)  

   messageicon * The older I get the earlier it gets late.
←Rate | 04-13-2018 23:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I told you people that Russia was up to no good. But nooooooo, you people wanted to be friends with them for some strange, idiotic reason.
←Rate | 04-13-2018 23:39 Comments (4)  

   messageicon How can one know what someone is doing when that someone does not know what they're doing
←Rate | 04-14-2018 01:28 Comments (3)  

   messageicon Homophobia is the fear of someone getting laid the way you would not like them to.
←Rate | 04-14-2018 09:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I sit down and wonder what kind of life i’d be living if my parents were really rich.
←Rate | 04-14-2018 09:43 Comments (0)  

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