Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife makes me wear Crocs to mark her territory.

   Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you're having difficulty getting anything done, it's usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

   A man agreeing with a woman doesn't mean he agrees with her. It's just away to shut her up.

   Don't make this weird, that's my job.

   Teach your children and you won't have to raise your grandchildren.

   As I gaze out of my window as I have so many times before, sipping my morning coffee, I feel so at peace knowing that I got the last of the creamer.

   If we have trillions of dollars to spend on Space Force, should not we be using that money for our wall?

   To the someone who does not know the words to the national anthem. You should not be criticising the NFL players who take a knee.

   Have you ever been driving and you look at your phone and the battery is at 5% and for some reason you think your almost out of fuel?..... Me neither 🙄

   If on that certaint night in December 1945. Mary Anne said not tonight Fred, I have a headache. We all would be better off today.

   I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires

   I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.

   The south side of Chicago needs a wildfire...

   Imagine playing dead & you hear “shoot everybody again”

   I'm so old I can remember when ripped jeans meant you'd been attacked by a bear. Those were the days.

   A weasel walks in a bar. Bartender says what ya have? Pop goes the weasel.

   If it wasn't intended for you to have a midnight snack. There would not be a light in the fridge.

   Does anyone know if there is an age limit to join the U.S Space Force? I think I would look good with a helmet on!

   when 1 of my lenses fall out, I like to think of the glasses as half full

   A man injured his hand at work. The doctor said sorry but we need to amputate one of your fingers. Man ask the hole finger? Doctor said no, the one next to it.