Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My wife is a teacher. If they issue her a gun I will be dead by Thursday.
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I raised my daughter to believe she can do anything but that did not include eating cheesecake in the shower
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today I am contemplating how much longer I would live if someone shouted "Run for your life!"
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My parents would not let me watch any violent movies. Instead we played board games with questions like "Who murdered this guy with a candlestick?"
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When asked why he was wearing a tuxedo to his vasectomy. Tyrone said, well if I'm gona be impotent, I might as well look impotent.
←Rate | 03-06-2018 17:32 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon if I pay Netflix each month & choose to watch Star Trek, am I paying a DATA plan?
←Rate | 03-06-2018 23:13 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like a potential employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he eventually hired
←Rate | 03-07-2018 05:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Common sense is like a deodorant.......The people who need it most never use it..
←Rate | 03-07-2018 05:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So a high school 1st year asked me if I knew the symbol compound of Hydrogen Sodium....I said NaH...
←Rate | 03-07-2018 05:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft
←Rate | 03-07-2018 05:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm suffering from Insania. Its sort of like Insomnia, only its the voices in my head that cant sleep.
←Rate | 03-07-2018 13:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?
←Rate | 03-07-2018 23:38 by Jake Comments (2)  

   messageicon My son is really struggling with english in school. Nobody else in his class can speak it.
←Rate | 03-08-2018 01:17 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon . My mother in-law is drowning, I've informed emergency services. Hope they get my letter in time to save her.
←Rate | 03-08-2018 01:25 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
←Rate | 03-08-2018 09:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan....
←Rate | 03-08-2018 10:10 Comments (1)  

   messageicon David Dennison is my President.
←Rate | 03-08-2018 12:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Any way I see it Jack and Jill were both idiots... Who in the hell goes up hill to find water?
←Rate | 03-08-2018 14:09 by JohnY Comments (0)  

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