Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon In honor of Martin Shkreli going to prison, the price of lube has been marked up 5,000%.
←Rate | 03-11-2018 18:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one.
←Rate | 03-11-2018 20:34 by Grapelade Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why does everyone keep asking me how to change their clock? My Betamax has been blinking midnight since 1983...
←Rate | 03-11-2018 22:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think I lost an hour reading all the tweets about how people lost an hour this weekend
←Rate | 03-11-2018 23:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Chicks from the hood make the best mixed drinks .... chick made me a apple ciroc & juicy juice & called it ''WIC ON THE BEACH !''
←Rate | 03-12-2018 01:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If your wife asks you if you have plans for the day, there is a good chance your plans will soon be over-ruled by what she had planned or she wants to be part of your plan
←Rate | 03-12-2018 05:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women
←Rate | 03-12-2018 05:52 Comments (2)  


   messageicon I bet now Martin Shkreli wish he had that anti-parasite medicine
←Rate | 03-12-2018 07:27 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?
←Rate | 03-12-2018 08:52 by Dp Comments (2)  


   messageicon BREAKING NEWS: Two cars had an accident in Mexico. Nobody died due to the cars being Lexus with airbags both stolen from the Houston area.
←Rate | 03-12-2018 14:34 by BillC. Comments (1)  


   messageicon 7-11 cashier: that will be $5.87. Me: ok 7-11 cashier: would you like a bag? Me: You got something good???
←Rate | 03-12-2018 17:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Steam Workshop :: Zoey with Christmas Hat
←Rate | 03-12-2018 22:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm at the point of my life where if aliens come, they wont need to abduct me, I'll gladly go with them
←Rate | 03-12-2018 23:29 Comments (2)  


   messageicon SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Questioning me about stupid things like why there’s a wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:34 Comments (0)  


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