Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   IRISH and PROUD!

   I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people

   FYI: Do not buy Activia yogurt if you do not need it for the reasons advertised. Not even if it's on sale and you have a $1 coupon and it's double coupon daze at the store...unless you like stabbing abdominal pains and blaming lots of stuff on the dog.

   have you ever notice that Chris Brown, Usher, Nelly and 55 Cent look exactly like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles???

   If Facebook really wanted to shake things up, they would introduce a thumbs-down "hate" button.

   In case you were wondering, this is how you say "bite my shiny metal ass" in Italian: "baciate il mio scintillante fondoschiena metallico..."

   Am I the only one who finds that Knock-Knock jokes are funnier when they're told to homeless people?

   Wonder if being a parcel delivery person has its UPS and downs.

   We need less work days & more snack days....

   if Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott went sailing together, and the boat capsized, who would be saved? Australia.

   I wish Brett Favre would stop texting me photos of himself. The guy is getting out of control.

   thinks there should be a Shart Week!

   On the Electrician's Truck... "Let Us Remove Your Shorts"

   Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day ..

   Washing my face, eyes are closed and the cat rubs against my legs. First thought: "SHARK!!!" Second thought: "No more Discovery Channel before bed!"

   business must be getting better. I noticed on my last check the government gave itself a raise.

   A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.

   They found the gene that causes shyness. They would have found it sooner, but it was hiding behind some other genes.

   I'm not opposed to gay marriage.... I saw two women kissing in public the other day and I thought “man, that takes balls!”

   ok...who watches Jeremy Kyle to make themselves feel better about thier own screwed up life?