Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I bought a cabin on a lake.... but there are signs all over my side of the lake saying "NO WAKE ZONE"...... now I am afraid to go to sleep.
←Rate | 08-27-2009 04:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't count the seconds... Make every second count...
←Rate | 08-27-2009 01:51 by Lloyd Comments (0)  

   messageicon gave up drinking and smoking... Worst ten minutes of my life.
←Rate | 08-27-2009 01:38 by Lloyd Comments (0)  

   messageicon jumping out the window, who's with me?
←Rate | 08-27-2009 00:27 by Green Lantern Comments (0)  

   messageicon Chris Brown must be making a new album, because he is going over his greatest hits with the judge tomorrow?
←Rate | 08-26-2009 23:54 by Todd Rollison Comments (0)  

   messageicon A woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less?
←Rate | 08-26-2009 22:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon segregation will not end until they start putting #2 pencils in the same boxes as colored pencils.
←Rate | 08-26-2009 22:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is a school zone speed limit 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.
←Rate | 08-26-2009 22:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why the hell didn't the Hamburglar ever steal and eat Mayor McCheese? I mean he was, after all, an ENORMOUS burger.
←Rate | 08-26-2009 22:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Mayan calendar says the world is going to end in 2012. That's why I refer to my Ziggy calendar instead.
←Rate | 08-26-2009 22:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon first there were 3 broken axles then I died of dysentery. Damn Oregon Trail.
←Rate | 08-26-2009 22:27 by olemissman79 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll keep my guns, my freedom, my money. You can keep the change!!!
←Rate | 08-26-2009 17:07 by Psym0n Comments (0)  

   messageicon so he thinks he can make the desicion to change our healthcare over night, comin from a guy who took three months to decide on the color of his new bed room, and 6 months on a dog....
←Rate | 08-26-2009 11:56 by Tim Comments (0)  

   messageicon feels like pile-driving his whiny coworker thru a thick glass table bound with barbed wire into a pool of rubbing alcohol with rusty nails and then set it on fire and drink a beer...
←Rate | 08-26-2009 11:15 by Yaj Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinking women should come with a carfax
←Rate | 08-25-2009 20:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Welcome, you have no mail, but you have 200 spam messages from yours truly"
←Rate | 08-25-2009 18:56 by Atnow24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
←Rate | 08-25-2009 14:53 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon just gotten an email stating that I had won the Nigerian lottery! I just left the post office to send off my 1500 dollar processing fee and I'll be on a beach in the Bahama's in no time, SUCKAS!
←Rate | 08-25-2009 13:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon she is too tired to be clever for her status.
←Rate | 08-25-2009 12:57 by Kristy Lynn Comments (0)  

   messageicon Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.
←Rate | 08-24-2009 15:35 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

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