Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank god the walmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing
←Rate | 11-14-2009 14:22 by J.P C Comments (0)  

   messageicon If candy was named after a High School social group like "Nerds," than would they come out with candy named "Hoes" and "Jocks?"
←Rate | 11-14-2009 14:08 by Karencita Comments (0)  

   messageicon There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.
←Rate | 11-14-2009 11:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman
←Rate | 11-14-2009 11:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman
←Rate | 11-14-2009 11:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon the police is looking for a suspect describes as sexy, beautiful, intelligent, funny & great in bed. You're safe, but where the hell will I hide??
←Rate | 11-14-2009 09:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon at the polics station. The police caught me & filed a case against me "possession of good looks". I'm doomed! Need someone ugly to bail me out.. so hurry up!!
←Rate | 11-14-2009 09:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon what's the closest thing to a womans period? Your salary! It comes once a month, lasts about 4-5 days anf if it doesn't come... it means you're screwed!!
←Rate | 11-14-2009 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon why are women known as sex objects? Everytime you want to have sex, they object!!
←Rate | 11-14-2009 09:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don't have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
←Rate | 11-14-2009 09:09 by deithy Comments (0)  

   messageicon woke up with post-it note where one of his toes should have been. It said "Gone to market"....
←Rate | 11-14-2009 09:04 by deithy Comments (0)  

   messageicon *The world is confused,if the love is blind, hw can it happen at 1st sight??
←Rate | 11-14-2009 08:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon She realised I had lied about my "restaurant experience" when she saw her ceiling was dripping with balsamic vinaigrette.
←Rate | 11-14-2009 07:24 by Lard Comments (0)  

   messageicon At the bottom of that bottle of chardonnay were words I always had the good sense to say
←Rate | 11-14-2009 07:22 by Lard Comments (0)  

   messageicon Knows the world will look up and shout “Save us!”… And he'll whisper “No.”
←Rate | 11-14-2009 07:20 by Lard Comments (0)  

   messageicon ..thought it was a good thing adding her parents to Facebook until I posted " is going out for the night!" & mum commented "Good! That means me and your father can have loud sex now!". I'll remember to lock my bedroom door before I go out..
←Rate | 11-14-2009 07:16 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon tried to join a Tourette's support group but they told me to piss off.
←Rate | 11-14-2009 06:13 by Cutie Comments (0)  

   messageicon The police sent me a photo of my car speeding. So I sent them a picture of my cheque.
←Rate | 11-14-2009 03:27 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.
←Rate | 11-14-2009 03:20 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon should not be used by women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant.
←Rate | 11-14-2009 02:26 by TONY930 Comments (0)  

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