Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 03:09 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon i think we due a bad spell of wether
←Rate | 02-27-2018 03:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It must be awkward when GPS tells gay people to go straight
←Rate | 02-27-2018 03:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My car has an interesting feature, a rotating fuel tank equipped with a sensor. So whichever side of a gas pump I pull up to, my fuel tank is on the other side of the car.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 07:23 Comments (2)  

   messageicon At 40 you can’t really walk it off any more. You’re hurt now.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 11:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A safe word, but for when you can’t listen to another boring story.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 11:50 by @kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you lend a friend some money and you never see them again. It probably was worth it.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 13:56 by Justathought Comments (3)  

   messageicon The reason people like dogs is because dogs wag their tails instead of their tongues
←Rate | 02-27-2018 14:03 by Justathought Comments (0)  

   messageicon The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 18:33 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Husband asks to see my phone. ***Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.***
←Rate | 02-28-2018 01:11 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."
←Rate | 02-28-2018 06:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "That microwave TV dinner was remarkably delicious and quite filling." ...Said no one ever.
←Rate | 02-28-2018 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whose bright idea was it to allow spiders, snakes and mosquitos on the ark? I want names.
←Rate | 02-28-2018 13:08 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Sharks don't kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
←Rate | 02-28-2018 13:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We’ll continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself.
←Rate | 02-28-2018 13:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted "Most Likely to Secede."
←Rate | 02-28-2018 14:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can I take my emotional support horse on a plane?
←Rate | 02-28-2018 15:11 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
←Rate | 02-28-2018 17:25 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never repeat gossip. So you'll have to listen very carefully the first time.
←Rate | 02-28-2018 17:30 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.
←Rate | 02-28-2018 17:32 by Jake Comments (0)  

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