Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps

   I went to view a house on a Native American reservation! "I like it" I said "Does it come with running water?" "Go to Hell Paleface" He replied.."Get your own wife!"

   odd that R. Kelly has a 19 minutes song ... usually he doesnt likes it over 18 ...

   if prison is "behind bars" , why don't people cal l the warden the "bar tender" ?

   What business makes money by driving their customers away........ A taxi.

   Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.

   Pretty sure Crest just makes up siht wrong with our teeth to sell more of their crap.

   Losing your wife can be difficult. I know because I've been trying to lose mine for years.

   LOL! My neighbor swears she was anally probed by an alien last night...... BTW, Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

   I'll bet people with Tourette's make awful anatomy teachers!!

   *Sign outside a brothel that read "It's a business doing pleasure with you."

   You know you should be proud of yourself when the biggest accomplishment you ever made was spreading your legs for your sugar daddy.

   "Almond milk will now be known as white stuff from nuts."

   Sorry I panicked and punched you when you invited me out for brunch.

   I just added Fabrizio Brambilla as one of my friends...According to all the messenger posts I received he is a bad dude..I felt sorry for him and felt he needed a friend

   Having friends sounds like a fun idea until they start trying to make plans with you.

   A fifth of Jack will make any girl look sexy.

   I’m suffering complications following my birth

   My heckling of Jeopardy contestants has become too aggressive.

   CEO: Sorry but we're closing the plant and moving to Mexico Me: *looks up from phone 3 months later* Where the hell is everybody?