Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
←Rate | 12-13-2009 01:18 by BONUS Comments (0)  

   messageicon You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
←Rate | 12-13-2009 01:17 by BONUS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.
←Rate | 12-13-2009 00:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon more then a lil surprise Mark Ingram won the Heisman Trophy, I thought Obama had it in da bag?!?!?
←Rate | 12-12-2009 23:25 by Todd Rollison Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...
←Rate | 12-12-2009 23:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon who had the bright idea of putting an "s" in the word lisp?
←Rate | 12-12-2009 22:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?
←Rate | 12-12-2009 21:17 by Fel Comments (0)  

   messageicon hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words
←Rate | 12-12-2009 15:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a mute kid swears,does his mother wash his hands out with soap?
←Rate | 12-12-2009 13:59 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yesterday, citizens of Norway woke up to a weird blue light in the sky, which the Russian Defense Ministry later claimed was due to a failed missle test. Thank goodness. I was worried it was a UFO. It's nice to know it's just a renegade Russian missle.
←Rate | 12-12-2009 12:47 by tomcall Comments (0)  

   messageicon What I don't get is how paper beats a rock. It should be changed to Rock, Bomb With A Cuttable Fuse, Scissors.
←Rate | 12-12-2009 12:40 by joe fool Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
←Rate | 12-12-2009 12:25 by bcj Comments (0)  

   messageicon I make them say ahh, just like I'm your doctor.....All I prescribe is cranberry and vodka
←Rate | 12-12-2009 09:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon eff you Martha Stewart, and your sanctimonious Everyday Food magazine too! Easy to make cookies my ass!
←Rate | 12-12-2009 06:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.
←Rate | 12-12-2009 04:50 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon n't it annoying when you accidentally drop something like a bread crumb into your keyboard and you have to get ighhghghghghhghghbhbhghgbhbhbggggggggggggh
←Rate | 12-12-2009 04:48 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?
←Rate | 12-12-2009 02:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it's one thing for Tiger to promote Nike and the slogan "just do it," but it's another thing to live by it.
←Rate | 12-12-2009 02:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have found that if you love life... life will love you back
←Rate | 12-12-2009 01:03 by Mike Comments (0)  

   messageicon puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again.
←Rate | 12-12-2009 00:42 Comments (0)  

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