Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 5695 of 5802

   messageicon has a camera, a wire coathanger and some baby oil and is bored so might try doing a colonoscopy on himself
←Rate | 11-15-2009 04:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
←Rate | 11-15-2009 01:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon just got a Nintendo video game unit for my's called the Wii-Wii.
←Rate | 11-14-2009 23:19 by Vybe Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've been arrested for being the ugliest person in the country. Can you come down the station and show them they've made a mistake?
←Rate | 11-14-2009 21:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Got my first real sex dream, I was 5 at the time. Played it till my fingers bled. It was the summer of 69.
←Rate | 11-14-2009 21:22 by abe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.
←Rate | 11-14-2009 19:42 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinking if your relationship Status says "It's complicated". Stop kidding yourself and change it to Single!
←Rate | 11-14-2009 15:54 by Vybe Comments (0)  

   messageicon almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank god the walmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing
←Rate | 11-14-2009 14:22 by J.P C Comments (0)  

   messageicon If candy was named after a High School social group like "Nerds," than would they come out with candy named "Hoes" and "Jocks?"
←Rate | 11-14-2009 14:08 by Karencita Comments (0)  

   messageicon There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.
←Rate | 11-14-2009 11:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman
←Rate | 11-14-2009 11:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman
←Rate | 11-14-2009 11:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon the police is looking for a suspect describes as sexy, beautiful, intelligent, funny & great in bed. You're safe, but where the hell will I hide??
←Rate | 11-14-2009 09:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon at the polics station. The police caught me & filed a case against me "possession of good looks". I'm doomed! Need someone ugly to bail me out.. so hurry up!!
←Rate | 11-14-2009 09:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon what's the closest thing to a womans period? Your salary! It comes once a month, lasts about 4-5 days anf if it doesn't come... it means you're screwed!!
←Rate | 11-14-2009 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon why are women known as sex objects? Everytime you want to have sex, they object!!
←Rate | 11-14-2009 09:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don't have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
←Rate | 11-14-2009 09:09 by deithy Comments (0)  

   messageicon woke up with post-it note where one of his toes should have been. It said "Gone to market"....
←Rate | 11-14-2009 09:04 by deithy Comments (0)  

   messageicon *The world is confused,if the love is blind, hw can it happen at 1st sight??
←Rate | 11-14-2009 08:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon She realised I had lied about my "restaurant experience" when she saw her ceiling was dripping with balsamic vinaigrette.
←Rate | 11-14-2009 07:24 by Lard Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left