Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I get called into my boss's office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes

   They call it a "selfie" because a "narcissitie" is too hard to pronounce

   It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.

   I am concerned about the safety of my children most when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes

   A great man once said, "If you divide the people because you want their votes, you will never be able to unite them if you win the election".

   I just tried to pull my sleeve up and accidentally punched myself.its ok though,I've had it coming for some time now.

   Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it's not a problem if you're good at it.

   If you drink too much at a bar, don't waste money on a cab. Instead, walk to the nearest Domino's and order a pizza to deliver to your house. Then ask the delivery guy if you can ride along with him.

   Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic's, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.

   My wife stepped out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras

   After trying it doggie style I can't face my wife again.

   Went to an amature talent show and saw a topless ventriloquist. I didn't see her lips move once.

   We live in a strange world where the poor walk miles to get food and the rich walk miles to digest food

   It's a good thing Apple wasn't in charge of Calender years. Otheriwise We'd all be expecting 2018 and get 2018S instead

   While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I therefore came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

   I'm kinda glad that dinosaurs are extinct cause I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few beers.

   I just read something that said, "Don't believe everything you read." I'm not sure if I should believe it.

   This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.

   Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them