Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
←Rate | 02-08-2018 08:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon For every women that has rejected me . I'm going to give them chocolate covered Tide pods for Valentine's day
←Rate | 02-08-2018 13:11 by loverboy Comments (1)  

   messageicon I am going to call KFC to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the staff answering the phone
←Rate | 02-09-2018 04:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love Facebook like Angelina Jolie loves to fill out adoption papers
←Rate | 02-09-2018 04:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I get called into my boss's office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes
←Rate | 02-09-2018 04:13 Comments (1)  

   messageicon They call it a "selfie" because a "narcissitie" is too hard to pronounce
←Rate | 02-09-2018 10:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
←Rate | 02-09-2018 10:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am concerned about the safety of my children most when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes
←Rate | 02-09-2018 10:59 Comments (4)  

   messageicon A great man once said, "If you divide the people because you want their votes, you will never be able to unite them if you win the election".
←Rate | 02-09-2018 12:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just tried to pull my sleeve up and accidentally punched myself.its ok though,I've had it coming for some time now.
←Rate | 02-09-2018 13:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it's not a problem if you're good at it.
←Rate | 02-09-2018 15:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you drink too much at a bar, don't waste money on a cab. Instead, walk to the nearest Domino's and order a pizza to deliver to your house. Then ask the delivery guy if you can ride along with him.
←Rate | 02-09-2018 16:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic's, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
←Rate | 02-09-2018 17:08 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife stepped out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."
←Rate | 02-09-2018 17:10 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras
←Rate | 02-09-2018 17:11 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon After trying it doggie style I can't face my wife again.
←Rate | 02-09-2018 21:03 by Jake Comments (2)  

   messageicon Went to an amature talent show and saw a topless ventriloquist. I didn't see her lips move once.
←Rate | 02-09-2018 21:07 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon We live in a strange world where the poor walk miles to get food and the rich walk miles to digest food
←Rate | 02-10-2018 05:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's a good thing Apple wasn't in charge of Calender years. Otheriwise We'd all be expecting 2018 and get 2018S instead
←Rate | 02-10-2018 05:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I therefore came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.
←Rate | 02-10-2018 05:15 Comments (0)  

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