Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon “In America, anyone can become president” used to feel like more of a promise and less of a threat.
←Rate | 03-17-2018 12:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nice try "St. Patrick," but I was going to drink anyway. Now...LET'S GET READY TO STUMMMMBLLLLE!
←Rate | 03-17-2018 14:09 by JohnY Comments (0)  

   messageicon My comfort zone is always southern
←Rate | 03-17-2018 14:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whether you order a six-inch or a foot- long, both you and your sandwich artist are thinking about diks for at least a second...
←Rate | 03-17-2018 18:29 by Fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife could get a job in earthquake prediction. She can find a fault quicker than anyone.
←Rate | 03-17-2018 23:37 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife was going wild in the sack last night. I eventually had to get up and let her out of it.
←Rate | 03-17-2018 23:41 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm in my 60's and a three time a night man. So I need to cut back on the liquids I drink before going to bed.
←Rate | 03-18-2018 00:04 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I start wearing an earring when my wife found it in our bed.
←Rate | 03-18-2018 00:12 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My brother has stop talking to his wife after she refused to join the mile high club with him. If I know her she doesn't give a flying fu*k.
←Rate | 03-18-2018 00:32 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember that scene where the Hulk smashes Lokie into the ground, my exwife big Tooth did that to the rest of mouth.
←Rate | 03-18-2018 05:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Embarrassment: Is when your 6 year old corrects your spelling when you're spelling out a cuss word.
←Rate | 03-18-2018 20:42 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon {at sports arena} *kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 05:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hate when ppl use their zodiac sign to justify sh^tty behavior. Like "sorry I can't help it I'm a Scorpio." No Susan you're just a bi*ch!
←Rate | 03-19-2018 06:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Subway Meatball Sub
←Rate | 03-19-2018 07:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hillary broke her wrist when she slipped in a bathtub. The bathtub was later found dead with two gunshots in the back of the head. The death has been ruled a suicide.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 12:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Breast reduction is just another way a woman has to get something off her chest.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 13:44 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey Hillary...We do not want to see your food that you and Bill eat.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 14:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well, hello there Last Straw. I've been expecting you.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 14:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you want to know how we found out stuff before we had the internet then just google it.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 14:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
←Rate | 03-19-2018 15:19 Comments (0)  

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