Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The smog is so bad in my city that in the mornig the birds wake me by coughing in stead chirping.

   A reminder on one of my dating profiles says "You should be more popular!" I agree.

   Hello dangerous young man! Come and look at our extensive range of military grade, rapid - fire weapons, that can easily eliminate any normal people that question your anti - social and sadistic tendencies!

   When a person gets a dui and kills people we blame the person.. when a person blows up a building we blame that person.. when there is a mass shooting we blame the gun lmao

   Did you know that if you light a candle during a full moon and say the name of the person you love three times you will look very stupid doing that.

   Today’s hairstyle at Walmart is called, “And I didn’t brush my teeth either.”

   I just saved a$1,375.00 on my Visa card by not going to Disney World .

   If running on a treadmill was only way to Recharge our phones, we would be the healthiest people on the planet

   Scotty, don't beam me up yet. I am taking a dump.

   I see house flies in the house...horse flies near horses...so why do I never see dragon flies on episodes of Game of Thrones?

   NBA All Star Game: Fergie sang that National Anthem so bad, Collin Kaepernick stood up and told her not to disrespect the Anthem like that.

   I guess Prince Harry realize that Trump can't make the royal wedding great.

   I just bought the "Best of 2 Pac” CD and it's blank.

   I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks

   Atheists, spending all their negative energy and life talking about God until they become plant food. What a waste

   God created the world in 7 days, but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I'm a big deal

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen drink & a pregnant girl have in common? In each case there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time

   I can't believe they remade the Pink Panther movie and changed the name since it stars a b|@ck guy instead. It is just pathetic how blatantly unoriginal Hollywood has gotten these days.

   Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.

   "Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.