Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If I were an animal, I'd eat vegetarians
←Rate | 10-01-2009 01:16 by Piney Comments (0)  

   messageicon wondering if vampires can't cast a reflection in a mirror,why does their hair always look so f@#king nice?
←Rate | 09-30-2009 23:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hitch hikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.
←Rate | 09-30-2009 23:01 by Brantly Comments (0)  

   messageicon feels like I am at a crossroad. I know you should take the road less traveled... but then who do you hang out with?
←Rate | 09-30-2009 15:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon just risked a car accident to type this
←Rate | 09-30-2009 13:16 by somebody Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes, I wish emails from my family had an *unsubscribe* button at the bottom.
←Rate | 09-30-2009 05:08 by Tiffany Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.
←Rate | 09-30-2009 05:07 by Tiffany Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.
←Rate | 09-29-2009 23:04 by Seagren Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today, my friend from school was saying how her 'nano' died. I quickly responded by saying "so? recharge it." Turns out she didn't say 'nano', she said 'nana'. dammit....
←Rate | 09-29-2009 23:01 by Seagren Comments (0)  

   messageicon When ever you are single, all you see are couples, but when ever you are in a couple, all you see are hookers.
←Rate | 09-29-2009 23:00 by Ryan Seagren Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lifetime, television for women. Yet for some reason women are always getting beaten on that channel.
←Rate | 09-29-2009 22:59 by Seagren Comments (0)  

   messageicon says if it wasn't for the last minute, I wouldn't get anything done!
←Rate | 09-29-2009 22:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon used to have superpowers, but his psychiatrist took them away...
←Rate | 09-29-2009 18:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon running around the house with a towel tied around his neck with only his boxers on and a Giant "S" written on his Chest Yelling "This Looks Like a Job for..."
←Rate | 09-29-2009 16:47 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
←Rate | 09-29-2009 15:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
←Rate | 09-29-2009 10:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon .......and thats how I got kicked in the balls by Mickey Mouse!!!
←Rate | 09-29-2009 09:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon n't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
←Rate | 09-29-2009 09:46 by randizzle Comments (0)  

   messageicon september ends dont forget to wake me up!!!
←Rate | 09-29-2009 02:37 by legit Comments (0)  

   messageicon concerned your choice in alcoholic beverages is now based on calorie count rather than intoxication efficiency
←Rate | 09-29-2009 01:43 by Piney Comments (0)  

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