Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Twice already today I have warned my co-workers that I was on the verge of going "JetBlue flight attendant." It's the new "going postal."
←Rate | 08-12-2010 11:38 by jdpower Comments (0)  


   messageicon once blinded someone with science, which, unfortunately, turned out to be an A-class felony.
←Rate | 08-12-2010 11:27 by CS Comments (0)  


   messageicon just because I have my cell phone number in my information doesn't mean you have full range of using it.. I would feel like a pretty big creep if I just took someones number off their page before asking for it
←Rate | 08-12-2010 11:20 Comments (4)  


   messageicon take your wife's hyphenated last name as a clue that she wants everyone to find her, including that one guy that did that thing.
←Rate | 08-12-2010 10:24 Comments (1)  


   messageicon She has a body built like Pikachu
←Rate | 08-12-2010 09:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not afraid of killing c0ckroaches. It's the fear of his friends and family's plan to avenge his murder while I sleep, that haunts me.
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The dude who invented the high-five must've been left hangin like 90 percent of the time that first year.
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When cops do that thing where they park side by side in an empty parking lot and talk for hours, that means they're in love, right?
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:32 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Just got my jury duty check. Time to cash this bad boy and rock the sh*t out of the dollar store! Woooo!
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Early map makers were mostly men, which explains why Florida was usually drawn about 3 inches longer than its actual size.
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pretty soon superheroes are going to be wearing underpants with my picture on them.
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean .... against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:28 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Sometimes I sit at a green light not because I'm not paying any attention, but because I'm curious if the car behind me has a custom horn.
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's no one I relate to less than my relatives.
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I'll text random numbers with things like "Have you ever taken a poop so good it gave you goosebumps?"
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Waitress: "Do you have any questions about the menu?" Me: " Yes, What kind of font is this?"
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm debating on a new career path, but can't decide if I would make a better professional thumb wrestler or butt model.
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:21 Comments (1)  


   messageicon When somebody says "I'm really bad with directions," that translates to me as "I'm too stupid to read road signs."
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder how we really know that hard work never killed anybody, when the only reliable witness may be dead?
←Rate | 08-12-2010 08:18 Comments (0)  




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