Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'm not saying all Uber drivers are bad drivers, but 100% of Uber drivers are bad drivers
←Rate | 02-04-2018 12:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In honor of the super bowl, whenever I go to poop today, i'll refer to it as "taking the browns to the super bowl"
←Rate | 02-04-2018 13:44 by Eddy Comments (1)  

   messageicon Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!
←Rate | 02-04-2018 23:08 by tmk Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just invented a new word: Plagiarism.
←Rate | 02-05-2018 06:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When somebody asks me "What's the word?" I give them the finger because everybody knows that the Bird is the Word.
←Rate | 02-05-2018 06:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Tide commercials during the Superbowl were not a hit with older folks but the kids are them up
←Rate | 02-05-2018 07:43 by MrSharp Comments (1)  

   messageicon I want to take a moment to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years.
←Rate | 02-05-2018 07:46 by Crewz Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tom Brady woke up this morning and his deal with the debil has ended. His team is over, is wife is Rosie O'Donnell and he's developed an allergy to lobster.
←Rate | 02-05-2018 07:54 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Kevin Durant just announced he's signing with the Eagles.
←Rate | 02-05-2018 09:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin' spoon!"
←Rate | 02-05-2018 10:45 by Crewz Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I saw the stock market plummet, I may have overreacted a bit by eating my neighbors cat...
←Rate | 02-05-2018 19:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Double negatives are a no-no.
←Rate | 02-05-2018 19:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.
←Rate | 02-05-2018 23:35 by Jake Comments (2)  

   messageicon I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room.
←Rate | 02-05-2018 23:52 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wife ask where I'd like to be buried. Ball deep in your sister wasn't the answer she was expecting.
←Rate | 02-06-2018 00:25 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon A medical survey says that masturbating twice a week can increase your life expectancy. If true, I'm going to live forever.
←Rate | 02-06-2018 01:16 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
←Rate | 02-06-2018 04:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing like watching the FB movies and seeing the highlights of" most liked posts" of your fiance' with other girlfriends
←Rate | 02-06-2018 04:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak"
←Rate | 02-06-2018 04:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook is taking up too much of my time, I'm taking a break. I'll be back after I go get my coffee
←Rate | 02-06-2018 04:06 Comments (0)  

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