Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Oh, my bad. It's Ash Wednesday, with an 'h'... Sorry, honey. You can go back to sleep.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy Valentines Day to the happy couple, Donald Trump & Stormy Daniels.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 14:03 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I just received a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order, but still....
←Rate | 02-14-2018 16:40 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 16:45 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cupid. That makes sense to me, because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 19:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 19:20 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon For the past 20 years I've got a valentine card from a secret admirer. And was sad when I didn't get one this year. Frist my meemaw dies, now this.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 19:29 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've kicked Stormy Daniels out of bed more times than I can remember.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 20:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say when you're looking for something you lost. It's always found in the last place you look. Of course it is. Who would keep on looking for it?
←Rate | 02-14-2018 20:27 by Justathought Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm pretty apathetic, so I'm getting a tattoo that says "Shrug Life"
←Rate | 02-14-2018 20:53 by Crewz Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a kitten is chasing shadows it's all "Aww's" but when I do it, all I get is strange looks & pointing.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 22:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The difference between the company I work for and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the OUTSIDE.
←Rate | 02-15-2018 04:44 by Crewz Comments (0)  

   messageicon Shout out to all the motel maids changing the sheets and the plumbers unclogging the hair filled drains this morning.
←Rate | 02-15-2018 07:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do they tilt their head in pictures ?
←Rate | 02-15-2018 07:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it Box Wine and not Cardboardeaux?
←Rate | 02-15-2018 08:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Back when I was in high school, we didn't have guns to shoot people. We used our fists!
←Rate | 02-15-2018 10:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Countries should not send athletes to the Olympics as a reward, but should send stupid people as a punishment. Your annoying coworker? Ski jumping. Natural selection as its best
←Rate | 02-15-2018 11:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro-tip: sadness is for people who are awake or sober.
←Rate | 02-15-2018 11:51 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What's this? A building is on fire? Not to worry. I'll stop the fire with my thoughts and prayers.
←Rate | 02-15-2018 12:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey Trump, if you want to tax something, tax luxury cars, rolex's diamonds, etc. Regular people can't afford another gas tax.
←Rate | 02-15-2018 14:34 Comments (1)  

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