Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 5692 of 5763

   messageicon ....saying, "I apologize.", is the same as saying, "I'm sorry.".... unless you're at a funeral.
←Rate | 10-14-2009 18:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ...The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
←Rate | 10-14-2009 18:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon has a friend that was recently diagnosed with multiple personalities... yesterday he called me... my caller I.D. exploded.
←Rate | 10-14-2009 18:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of Yankees players on them ...people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
←Rate | 10-14-2009 17:49 by Brades Comments (0)  

   messageicon just watched CSI: Ozarks. The case went unsolved. Everyone's DNA was the same and there were no dental records.
←Rate | 10-14-2009 17:27 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinks he messed up. One of my wife's girlfriends came over to the house crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.
←Rate | 10-14-2009 17:26 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon To make it straight, she pulls it. 2 make it stand, she rubs it. 2 make it stiff, she licks it. 2 let it “IN” she pushes it. !!!! True! Threading a needle is not easy!!!
←Rate | 10-13-2009 16:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon knows the difference between a straight girl and a lesbian. About a bottle and a half of wine.
←Rate | 10-13-2009 15:58 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon has watched so much kids TV lately that women that look like Dora are starting to turn his head. Swiper! No swiping!
←Rate | 10-13-2009 15:36 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
←Rate | 10-13-2009 14:14 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
←Rate | 10-13-2009 14:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life is 10% of what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it!
←Rate | 10-13-2009 08:31 by Mikey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I read a report that said the typical symptoms of stress were eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
←Rate | 10-13-2009 03:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I may not be always right but I'm never wrong
←Rate | 10-12-2009 21:12 by Mr. King Comments (0)  

   messageicon : How do you keep a facebook friend busy? Refresh this screen to find the answer.
←Rate | 10-12-2009 18:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ..hates her internal clock. It doesn't have a snooze button and it hurts to throw herself across the room..
←Rate | 10-12-2009 02:35 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon would like to thank his liver for all the support, this weekend . . . Couldnt have done it without you, old friend !
←Rate | 10-12-2009 01:28 by Healey316 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Playing hide and seek with boredom... I found it!
←Rate | 10-11-2009 20:07 by RAGNAROCK Comments (0)  

   messageicon is Loading ████████████ 99%
←Rate | 10-11-2009 17:30 by ZACHYPOO Comments (0)  

←Rate | 10-11-2009 16:44 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left