Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 5691 of 5816

   messageicon I was wrapping Christmas presents for various people;17 to be exact. It wasn't until I placed the last present on top of the stack that I realized I didn't put gift tags on any of them. FML
←Rate | 11-29-2009 15:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Let's put the kid's to bed and play with the box they came in!
←Rate | 11-29-2009 13:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you were this awesome, your name would be X as well.
←Rate | 11-29-2009 12:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out & my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.
←Rate | 11-29-2009 11:38 by BCJ Comments (0)  

   messageicon A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
←Rate | 11-29-2009 10:46 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
←Rate | 11-29-2009 10:39 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw an unemployed,homeless dwarf. He had a sign that said "No job. Too small."
←Rate | 11-29-2009 10:01 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon This Christmas, let's put misteltoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our ass!
←Rate | 11-29-2009 08:46 by Mr. Craig Comments (0)  

   messageicon never meddles in the affairs of dragons, for he is crunchy and good with ketchup
←Rate | 11-28-2009 00:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon if it wasnt for bad luck, i'd have no luck at all!!!
←Rate | 11-27-2009 21:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I was a jumper the first place i'd jump is right into megans fox's panties..:)
←Rate | 11-27-2009 19:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Theres a party tonight. Climb my leg and you can have a ball..
←Rate | 11-27-2009 19:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You're not a douche because you paint your face and dress up with spikes on your shoulder pads, you're a douche because you're a Raiders fan!!!
←Rate | 11-27-2009 18:27 by mat2sm00th Comments (0)  

   messageicon heard Tiger Woods drive hit a sprinkler head and then went into the trees.
←Rate | 11-27-2009 17:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinking..Tiger driving and hitting trees is nothing new, but I will bet he hasn't hit one off a fire hydrant before.
←Rate | 11-27-2009 15:48 by Vybe Comments (0)  

   messageicon worried that my latest Salvation Army donation will result in homeless people looking like sluts from the 90s
←Rate | 11-27-2009 15:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon if you're single and unhappy, try being married!
←Rate | 11-27-2009 14:33 by mat2sm00th Comments (0)  

   messageicon wonders why there is no swine flu in Iran and asks if it is because of veils or not
←Rate | 11-27-2009 12:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro is reportedly a huge fan of President Obama and thinks he'd doing a great job. Boy, Obama hasn't had PR this good since the Rev. Wright was campaigning for him. Maybe he can get Gaddafi to say something nice too.
←Rate | 11-27-2009 12:41 by tomcall Comments (0)  

   messageicon Horse racing is just like NASCAR only slower.....and with poop.
←Rate | 11-27-2009 12:26 by Mike Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left