Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
←Rate | 11-15-2009 21:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.
←Rate | 11-15-2009 21:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant
←Rate | 11-15-2009 21:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on?
←Rate | 11-15-2009 21:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.
←Rate | 11-15-2009 21:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram?" Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
←Rate | 11-15-2009 21:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.
←Rate | 11-15-2009 21:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated
←Rate | 11-15-2009 21:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A birth control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.
←Rate | 11-15-2009 21:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not really concerned about swine flu. > Here's my concern. > > 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease. > 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu. > This year, Chinese calendar year of
←Rate | 11-15-2009 21:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wishes Jimmy Football was more like Billy Mays-DEAD!
←Rate | 11-15-2009 21:07 by Pineapple Comments (0)  

   messageicon No, you can't not never ever use quadruple negatives. it's just bad grammer.
←Rate | 11-15-2009 20:52 by GabrielBelmont Comments (0)  

   messageicon The beatings will stop when morale improves.
←Rate | 11-15-2009 20:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep.
←Rate | 11-15-2009 19:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
←Rate | 11-15-2009 19:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Diamonds are a girl's best friend... Dogs are a mans best friend... Now, who's the smarter sex?
←Rate | 11-15-2009 19:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Catching a yellow-jacket in your shirt at seventy miles per hour can double your vocabulary.
←Rate | 11-15-2009 19:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The good thing about Alzheimer is that you meet new people every day.
←Rate | 11-15-2009 19:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon dropped his glasses in the toilet. As a result, he now has a crappy outlook on life.
←Rate | 11-15-2009 19:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your relationship status says, "It's complicated", you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "single"
←Rate | 11-15-2009 19:01 Comments (0)  

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