Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon wants to apologize to everyone about the blue moon but hey, I'm auditioning for the Avatar sequels and it's your damn fault for peeping through my window!
←Rate | 01-31-2018 08:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"
←Rate | 01-31-2018 10:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Got caught daydreaming about sleep again at work today
←Rate | 01-31-2018 13:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Super Bowl LII: Patriots vs. Eagles. If it were any more patriotic, it'd be crapping fireworks out of it's end zone. 'Murica!
←Rate | 01-31-2018 19:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Since smartphone cameras were first released in 2002, sightings of Bigfoot and UFOs have declined by 85%.
←Rate | 01-31-2018 22:34 by gil Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people are like that annoying advert that interrupts a video you’re watching and you can’t skip it.
←Rate | 01-31-2018 23:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate brushing teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have anymore food and I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment
←Rate | 02-01-2018 03:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use my bank account?
←Rate | 02-01-2018 03:52 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Girl - "Can I see your phone?" Boy - "Uhm, yeah, a moment, I just have to send a text." <Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete>
←Rate | 02-01-2018 03:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My bachelor pad is lacking a sofa now that Mom wants her Caravan’s third row seating back.
←Rate | 02-01-2018 04:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We get it, He-Man, you’re a male.
←Rate | 02-01-2018 05:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?
←Rate | 02-01-2018 09:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice too
←Rate | 02-01-2018 13:50 by troy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
←Rate | 02-01-2018 13:51 by troy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car
←Rate | 02-01-2018 13:52 by troy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says, “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going to be there.
←Rate | 02-01-2018 14:30 by Mike Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when google starts acting feminine by giving me a suggestion even before I complete my sentence
←Rate | 02-02-2018 04:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When my Bank Balance Depresses me, I Look at my Email Spam Folder to check the Nigerian Prince Million Dollars I have been left behind
←Rate | 02-02-2018 04:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it that only when you fart silently is when somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or rather sits behind you?
←Rate | 02-02-2018 04:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite word is "apparently" because it makes any statement sound sarcastic. "He's intelligent. Apparently."
←Rate | 02-02-2018 08:01 Comments (0)  

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