Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon According to my wife, my fashion style is "are you going out like that?"
←Rate | 12-19-2017 11:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon For the family portrait theme this year, it's just the four us staring into our electronic devices
←Rate | 12-19-2017 11:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The worse thing about taking the dog for a walk is having to clean all that poop off of the treadmill.
←Rate | 12-19-2017 12:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?
←Rate | 12-19-2017 14:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I once told my friend I was attacked by a shark. He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?" I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
←Rate | 12-19-2017 17:46 by Tallmtnman Comments (0)  

   messageicon And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight… A Merry Trumpness to All, and to All a Trump Night!
←Rate | 12-20-2017 03:23 Comments (3)  

   messageicon I asked Santa for Hillary Clinton for Christmas, but he said “No, You’ll Shoot Her Eye Out!”
←Rate | 12-20-2017 03:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 05:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have nothing against exercise. I just wish people would care as much about exercising their minds as much as the do their bodies.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 07:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "His heart wasn't the only thing that was two sizes too small." -Mrs. Grinch
←Rate | 12-20-2017 08:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 08:59 Comments (1)  

   messageicon For the last time, it's called "Duct Tape"; not "Duck Tape." Now shut the fuct up already.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 09:01 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I assume nowadays the Christmas family portrait theme involves four people staring into their electronic devices next to the Christmas tree...
←Rate | 12-20-2017 09:42 by Shalam-Balam Comments (0)  

   messageicon Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
←Rate | 12-20-2017 10:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need to open an Electronics store and call it The Ohm Depot.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 14:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gold Star Chili ~ The only place where you can ask for a 3 way and not get charged with sexual-harassment.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 17:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I waited too long.. The stores ran out of winter solstice glasses.
←Rate | 12-21-2017 15:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When your Dr. says "I'll need to Google that"..... it's time to change Doctors
←Rate | 12-21-2017 17:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon FOX News, because conservative's balls can't lick themselves.
←Rate | 12-21-2017 19:18 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Has Mexico paid for the wall yet?
←Rate | 12-21-2017 19:31 Comments (2)  

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