Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon It's so cold out that I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant
←Rate | 01-02-2018 02:38 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 03:03 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 03:12 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon So cold don's toupee flew south for the winter
←Rate | 01-02-2018 03:23 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 04:10 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw a hipster wearing socks because it’s so cold.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 05:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Unless you had yourself cloned, I don't want to hear any of this "New Year, New Me" crap.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 10:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just ate a box of stove top stuffing in my underwear while laying on the couch. So if you're looking to me for something inspirational, you should probably look elsewhere.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 12:40 by JohnY Comments (0)  

   messageicon We all have a machine in our house that sets itself on fire when it gets cold and we're all ok with that!
←Rate | 01-02-2018 12:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon College football is important but a college education is importanter!
←Rate | 01-02-2018 13:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 16:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?
←Rate | 01-02-2018 19:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Time to practice changing 7's into 8's
←Rate | 01-02-2018 19:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand" I can't get my head around how a snake can be that organized
←Rate | 01-02-2018 20:06 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
←Rate | 01-02-2018 20:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pink grapefruit extreme close-up, you’re welcome.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 02:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just Love the gym this time of year. The new members make me look like an endurance freak
←Rate | 01-03-2018 04:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I dropped my KFC at the treadmill and now they are revoking my Gym membership, how unreasonable
←Rate | 01-03-2018 04:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love finding money in my clothes after wash…..its like a gift from me
←Rate | 01-03-2018 04:25 Comments (0)  

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