Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump
Search Messages:
My ex girlfriend auditioned for American idol. She said if she got through, she would be on "Cloud 9". I told her she was more suited for "Destrict 9" 
I measure the wealth of my day by asking myself did I add more friends today over friends who have deleted me on Facebook
Many years ago,Ozzy Osbourne asked me how he could get publicity to help his music career. I told him he needed a bright red hat. He thought I said "bite the head off a bat". And the rest,of course is history.
never apologizes. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am....
Where there's smoke, the possibility exists I might be cooking...
These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian officials to share huge sums of money with strangers
Damn court sux. If I ever got pooled 4 jury duty I would start all my answers w/ "According to the phrophecy..."
Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway!
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost
wishes everyone involved in the Global Warming debate would all just Chill Out.
scared of fortune cookies, mine said: this message will self destruct in five seconds.
you know that feeling when you pick your nose and it all comes out in one long string... thats how I feel right now!
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a Jedi Master and use the force to open automatic doors like at walmart.
You know those camp grounds where you have to pay to sleep outside? I wonder if those are offensive to homeless people??
Why do people think Memento is so much better than Dude Where's My Car? They are basically the same movie.
trying to decide - laundry today or naked tomorrow?
the difference between michael jackson and acne is that acne waits till your twelve to come all over your face
if it weren't for elephants and penguins, I would not be able to eat ice cream on a sailboat