Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.

   I'm 31 years old and never married. How come it seems like every married person I know wishes their marriage license has an expiration date?

   I always thought about joining the debate team but I already know I would get kicked out for saying "Yeah well F**k you" when the other team makes a good point

   Nothing says "this wont last"...quite like an engagement ring from Wal-Mart !*

   Lindsay Lohan is so dumb that she wanted to move to Afghanistan......because she heard girls could get stoned there.

   NEWS: An Ohio exotic dancer was indicted for murder after she dragged a man under her car for more than a mile. Witnesses to the scene called it "The worst lap dance ever."

   Bruno Mars was busted for Coccaine in the Bathroom with ANOTHER MAN!!....HMMMMM I wonder if they were playing '"SWORD FIGHT?" Bwahahaaa!!! LOL!

   Wish we had something like a .."National Emotionless Day"..A day where no one really gives a F**K. That my friend.. would be Awesome.

   Remember, A hard punch can often be used as a secret weapon to secure victory in an intellectual debate.

   Unfortunately, due to a recent stroke, my friends left side is now completely useless. .. I now refer to it as His feminine side!......jimboleem

   always ready, willing and able. Unless you have to move then sorry I am unavailable that day!

   It's so cute how you think I'm listening.

   I beg your pardon. I didn't recognize you. I've changed a lot.

   My wife said ''Why are you still staring at our marriage license!''..............''I am looking for an expiration date!!!!''

   My wife was watching a cooking show and I said ''Why are you watching that! You don't know how to cook!''..............She said ''Well you watch porn!!!!!!!!''

   remembers the good old days when, C0CK meant ROOSTER, PU$$Y meant CAT, MAKING OUT meant coming to a deduction, A$$ meant DONKEY, JUGS meant vessels to put liquid beverages in and COMING meant the opposite of GOING!.....DAH! times have really changed!

   I danced like no one was watching. Court date is pending...

   If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die because I wouldn't want to be me when that happens.

   If you're going to call your wifi network "Wireless", at least have the courtesy to make the password "password"

   I don't understand the Starbucks ordering language.