Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon that if you were pots and pans, he'd bang you on New Year's Eve.
←Rate | 12-23-2009 01:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just accidentally dropped a bowling ball on my bed and my wine glass fell over. I wish I had Tempur-pedic bed
←Rate | 12-22-2009 23:08 by Vito Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just left Walmart, to get out of there, I had to strangle 6 moms, run over 12 kids, and kick 1 grandma in a scooter. There goes my present from Santa.
←Rate | 12-22-2009 22:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
←Rate | 12-22-2009 22:07 by mullerman Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dont sweat the petty things, Pet the sweaty things
←Rate | 12-22-2009 20:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
←Rate | 12-22-2009 19:31 by GabrielBelmont Comments (0)  

   messageicon Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered
←Rate | 12-22-2009 19:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? - You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit
←Rate | 12-22-2009 19:26 by zar Comments (0)  

   messageicon took my car to the mechanic yesterday to look at my brakes. he said I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
←Rate | 12-22-2009 17:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon hated it when old aunts and uncles used to come up to him at weddings, poke him in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
←Rate | 12-22-2009 17:00 by Mduduzi Gama Comments (0)  

   messageicon wonderin if this will be the year. Santa hasn't visited me since I moved out the first time. Can't figure it out!
←Rate | 12-22-2009 16:59 by Prankster Comments (0)  

   messageicon MISSING: Sultry dark haired nymphomaniac. Likes 2 have hair pulled & be tied up. Please return immediately as she may be dangerous! I am a trained professional
←Rate | 12-22-2009 16:58 by Prankster Comments (0)  

   messageicon this monkeys wings aren't real!!! That guy screwed me, these aren't flying monkeys at all!!!!
←Rate | 12-22-2009 16:55 by Prankster Comments (0)  

   messageicon 2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f**k up
←Rate | 12-22-2009 16:51 by Mduduzi Gama Comments (0)  

   messageicon Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
←Rate | 12-22-2009 16:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelingsā€¦.'
←Rate | 12-22-2009 16:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon watching p0rn and eating doritos !
←Rate | 12-22-2009 16:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I call you a "HO" these final days of 2009, it's only for the holiday purposes... *smirks*
←Rate | 12-22-2009 14:44 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon hates Know-It-Alls, because if you really knew it all, you would know I think you a shmuck!
←Rate | 12-22-2009 12:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wants Santa to bring me one of the hot girls thats on his naughty list
←Rate | 12-22-2009 12:47 Comments (0)  

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