Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I just got flipped-off from a guy in a Smart Car, he almost tipped over his car
←Rate | 11-29-2017 15:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This is the greatest prank Ellen Degeneres has ever played on Matt Lauer
←Rate | 11-29-2017 18:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Man kneeling by the bed, Wife says,"What are you praying for? " Husband says: "Guidance. " Wife says, "Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the damn thing myself!"
←Rate | 11-30-2017 04:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've learnt one very interesting thing about money......It doesn't buy "CLASS" no matter how many millions of it you have got
←Rate | 11-30-2017 04:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today's relationships, you can touch each other but not each others phones
←Rate | 11-30-2017 04:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Its not a great idea to walk into a pharmacy, grab a box of condoms and ask "where is the fitting room?"
←Rate | 11-30-2017 08:15 by SEAN Comments (1)  

   messageicon Teacher said taking responsibility is key to being an adult and she asked what’s wrong today and who do we blame? Student (7th grade) - I blame all of us for Nov 8th, 2016. Sums it up right!
←Rate | 11-30-2017 08:37 by Harry Comments (6)  

   messageicon The Denver Broncos today announced Al Bundy as their new starting Quarterback.
←Rate | 11-30-2017 13:49 by TallMtnMan Comments (3)  

   messageicon This is probably not the year to hang mistletoe around the workplace.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 09:18 by MarkM Comments (0)  

   messageicon If white privilege exists, then why did Senator Warren have to pretend to be an Indian?
←Rate | 12-01-2017 10:17 by Blackmail Comments (4)  

   messageicon ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
←Rate | 12-01-2017 15:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The problem with talking to people on the phone is that they expect you to pay attention.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 15:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wouldn't recommend hanging up mistletoe at the office this year.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 17:46 by pj Comments (0)  

   messageicon Funny how Flynn went from "lock her up" to maybe being locked up.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 17:51 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 18:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gotta listen to the little man inside. The little man knows all. Unless, your little man is an idiot.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 19:03 Comments (1)  

   messageicon President Trump has golden hair like the Golden Child of mythic olden tales. Like, everything that he touches turns to gold. #GoldenPOTUS
←Rate | 12-01-2017 19:04 Comments (1)  

   messageicon You can’t say that President Trump hasn’t Tweeted you well.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 19:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 1st of December and I already gained 3 pounds. Fml.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 22:01 by Yatusabe Comments (1)  

   messageicon Took the kids to the zoo today and spent the first 30 mins explaining why the animals are not in alphabetical order like their favorite book
←Rate | 12-01-2017 22:51 Comments (0)  

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