Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The only person I wanna chat with is my dog.
←Rate | 11-15-2017 13:49 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If it wasn't for online porn I couldn't spell amateur.
←Rate | 11-15-2017 13:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wife: I'm having a baby. me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have a baby as well.
←Rate | 11-15-2017 13:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donald Trump is presidential; Jeff Sessions is honest; Roy Moore is a Christian; and Blake Shelton is the "Sexiest Man Alive." It's like America has totally stopped trying.
←Rate | 11-15-2017 14:00 Comments (1)  

   messageicon My sex tape is 60 mins long, 58 minutes of it are arguing
←Rate | 11-15-2017 14:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't recall what I can't recall because I can't recall it. Jeff Session
←Rate | 11-15-2017 18:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Dominatrix is so cruel and kinky, she makes me drink orange juice right after I brush my teeth.
←Rate | 11-16-2017 00:25 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can't help to think that if Roy Moore was black, he'd be hanging from a tree in Alabama, rather than getting praises and support for sexual harassing women. Only in the south, am I right?
←Rate | 11-16-2017 00:33 Comments (2)  

   messageicon After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes...... "No hablo ingles."
←Rate | 11-16-2017 02:50 by Fr8Train Comments (0)  

   messageicon I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation... My Czech is in the mail
←Rate | 11-16-2017 02:51 by Fr8Train Comments (0)  

   messageicon My doctor said I'm healthy enough for sexua activityl. She said I'm just not attractive enough.....
←Rate | 11-16-2017 02:54 by Fr8Train Comments (1)  

   messageicon I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy... Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
←Rate | 11-16-2017 02:56 by Fr8Train Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just because you're trash doesn't mean you cant do great things...Its called a Garbage Can,Not a Garbage Cannot.
←Rate | 11-16-2017 04:25 by negrodamus Comments (0)  

   messageicon All these revelations of sexual harassment, groping etc coming out of Hollywood is horrible...but how is Richard Dawson not being mentioned? That dude used to do it right on TV (Family Feud)!
←Rate | 11-16-2017 13:05 Comments (1)  

   messageicon The good news for AL Franken is this should make him a contender for President
←Rate | 11-16-2017 16:22 by MarkBomchill Comments (0)  

   messageicon A man dining in a restaurant asked his server "Do you have frog legs?" The server replied "Yes". The man said, "Then hop into the kitchen and bring me my dinner!"
←Rate | 11-16-2017 21:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Beer tastes better when you have to work the next day, it’s science
←Rate | 11-17-2017 00:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're constantly stirring the pot, not only should you be required to lick the spoon, but also have that spoon jammed up your butt. Perhaps that's your goal anyways.
←Rate | 11-17-2017 01:02 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Better vote right on all the left stuff and left on all the right stuff every ten minutes. I’m extremely immature.
←Rate | 11-17-2017 02:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing morally bankrupt about homosexuality, Obama said it was okay.
←Rate | 11-17-2017 04:48 Comments (0)  

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