Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If Stranger Things has taught us anything it's that we miss the 80's way too much
←Rate | 11-04-2017 05:46 by @jmichek Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kevin Spacy is innocent. He was framed by Kaiser Soze.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 09:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's hard to hit on someone when you're holding a bag of dog crap.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 12:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Husband and I just burped at exactly the same time and it's the closest we've come to having sex this week.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 12:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 12:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kinda pissed that OJ is living a better life than me right now.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 13:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [creating a sloth] God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink
←Rate | 11-04-2017 13:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When these kids were saying on November 4th they were gonna be killing Nazis, were they talking about the new Call of Duty?
←Rate | 11-04-2017 14:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I came into this world with nothing, and still have most of it.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 17:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A cop came over and told me that my dog was chasing people on a bike....I told him, "Don't be ridiculous, my dog doesn't doesn't own a bike."
←Rate | 11-04-2017 17:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] Me: I'm having an affair
←Rate | 11-04-2017 20:40 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Gotta give credit where credit is due. Canada really schooled us in the UFC fight.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 00:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Turn your clocks back to before Obama became president
←Rate | 11-05-2017 05:15 Comments (1)  


   messageicon The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 06:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 06:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Only had to turn my clock back one hour instead of 20 years like I did last January
←Rate | 11-05-2017 07:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "I'm sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ~ Angus Young of AC/DC
←Rate | 11-05-2017 07:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No one is giving you free airline tickets, a week at Disney, a cruise or a cabin in the woods for a year. If you want those things, put down your GD phone, tablet or computer and get off your a$$ and earn them!!
←Rate | 11-05-2017 09:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trump just told the prime minister of Japan why a country of samurai warriors did not shoot down the N. Korea missiles. This is better than any reality show, LOL!
←Rate | 11-05-2017 17:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm glad I grew up in an era where "active shooter" wasn't even an idea. I'm sad for today's youth where this is now a reality.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 21:32 Comments (0)  


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