Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
←Rate | 11-02-2017 02:01 by Trueman Comments (0)  

   messageicon Harvey Weinstein has invited all the disappointed teenage Dodger fans to his home for jello shots and back rubs.....
←Rate | 11-02-2017 02:13 by bigdaddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon So the Houston Astros beat the Los Angeles Dodgers to win the World Series. Sort of reminds me fondly of last year's presidential election. (Red State beats Blue State).
←Rate | 11-02-2017 08:26 Comments (5)  

   messageicon A woman started choking in the lineup at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 10:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trump: " I prefer Coca-Cola " MSNBC: " Trump declares war on the whole Pepsi generation "
←Rate | 11-02-2017 12:14 Comments (3)  

   messageicon Just think, without microwave ovens, we couldn't drink 50 degree hot chocolate from a 500 degree mug!
←Rate | 11-02-2017 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon will someone please tell Sarah Sanders to NOT wear false eyelashes! Her eyebrows are WAY TOO MOBILE TO ACCOMODATE THEM FALSIES!
←Rate | 11-02-2017 14:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife just complimented me on my Alligator shoes. Problem is....I'm not wearing any shoes.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 16:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only true anonymous donor is the guy who knocked up your daughter.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 17:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just Thinking Again: Children in third world countries are now sporting brand new 2017 world series champion Dodgers apparel.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 17:24 by JerryCarter Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 20:42 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Choked on my coffee this morning so I guess I'm done for my daily cardio.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 01:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Gluttony scene from Se7en really isn’t torture if you love spaghetti and want to die.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 07:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please stop trying to trick me into a conversation
←Rate | 11-03-2017 07:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Over here is just as empty as Ivanka Trump women's empowerment speech in Tokyo.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 08:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can bone spurs keep you out of prison?
←Rate | 11-03-2017 10:04 Comments (1)  

   messageicon According to your logic, I guess 9/11 is fake news because CNN reported it.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 11:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donna Brazille and Fauxcahontas both confirm Crooked Hillary rigged the DNC to win the nomination yet still lost the election. President Trump was right again. Dummy-crats still stupefied.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 12:31 by Sparky739 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro tip: Buy Halloween candy today. It's on sale and you get to eat it all!
←Rate | 11-03-2017 14:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 14:42 Comments (0)  

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