Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My wife just complimented me on my Alligator shoes. Problem is....I'm not wearing any shoes.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 16:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only true anonymous donor is the guy who knocked up your daughter.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 17:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just Thinking Again: Children in third world countries are now sporting brand new 2017 world series champion Dodgers apparel.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 17:24 by JerryCarter Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 20:42 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Choked on my coffee this morning so I guess I'm done for my daily cardio.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 01:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Gluttony scene from Se7en really isn’t torture if you love spaghetti and want to die.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 07:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please stop trying to trick me into a conversation
←Rate | 11-03-2017 07:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Over here is just as empty as Ivanka Trump women's empowerment speech in Tokyo.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 08:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can bone spurs keep you out of prison?
←Rate | 11-03-2017 10:04 Comments (1)  

   messageicon According to your logic, I guess 9/11 is fake news because CNN reported it.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 11:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donna Brazille and Fauxcahontas both confirm Crooked Hillary rigged the DNC to win the nomination yet still lost the election. President Trump was right again. Dummy-crats still stupefied.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 12:31 by Sparky739 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro tip: Buy Halloween candy today. It's on sale and you get to eat it all!
←Rate | 11-03-2017 14:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 14:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon this is a good time to buy the Halloween candy. it makes great stocking stuffers
←Rate | 11-03-2017 18:24 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rude is saying STFU. Polite is saying please STFU.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 21:05 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My brother came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 21:16 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (1)  

   messageicon This afternoon I was so excited to find a sizable cache of Bitcoins in a shoe box! Upon further examination it turned out to be old arcade tokens I'd forgotten about. Damn.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 21:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cup of coffee so strong it doesn’t just pick me up, it reenacts the lift scene from Dirty Dancing.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 00:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing like a little chloroform and some duct tape to hold a relationship together.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 00:23 by psycho Comments (0)  

   messageicon She’s not angry...she just doesn’t like you.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 00:24 Comments (0)  

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