Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon How do they explain this to the authorities? Me, at the end of every horror movie
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid I made my dad a clay ashtray. Millennials probably think I should be locked up.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The irony is overwhelming. The "LOCK HER UP" guy is getting his ass locked up. Hahaha!
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm on my third round of candy that we are not eating before Halloween.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When your leg twitches while you sleep that is your skeleton trying to escape because you are vulnerable
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I thought it was PMS, but apparently wild mood swings and mango cravings are just part of who she is
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not sure how many trick-or-treaters we will get, so better buy 400x more than I expect.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Looking for meaningless likes and retweets? Post something about candy corn.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When the zombies come, my plan is to hope they are all dyslexic and go after the Brians
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:10 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I am visualizing a world of peace and harmony that has never known conflict. And I am visualizing us completely dominating that world.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I go to restaurants where the waiter takes your order, and then purposely walks by your table with plates of what you could have ordered.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my wife ever comes back as a ghost, the message written on my bathroom mirror in blood will be PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At some point we will have to sit down and discuss Kenny Loggins
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just saw a guy in the laundrymat throw in his NO FEAR white t-shirt with his colors. That guy is living the dream.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You will NEVER find the love of your life, if YOU ARE the love of your life.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 19:36 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I’m pretty sure the most dangerous mixed drink is alcohol and Facebook
←Rate | 10-30-2017 20:30 by Todd Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m not really sure how to get petitions started but I’m a child of the 80’s and want my reboot of The Wonder Years. Shot the same way the original was shot,
←Rate | 10-30-2017 22:57 by DocBrown Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.
←Rate | 10-31-2017 06:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not worried about the Zombie apocalypse that is coming. I'm worried about the Libtard apocalypse that is here now.
←Rate | 10-31-2017 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do Millennial kids just trick or treat online?
←Rate | 10-31-2017 13:56 by Barber Comments (0)  

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