Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I can't concentrate on my work until Google fixes the cheeseburger emoji.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 12:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I might as well prepare myself to say "comrade" a lot and drink plenty of vodka.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 12:29 Comments (3)  

   messageicon White Lives Matter rallies in two small Tennessee cities on Saturday to protest refugee resettlement in the state. What the hell does that have to do with White Lives Mattering?
←Rate | 10-30-2017 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Players of the Houston Texans football team took a knee during the national anthem Sunday.!
←Rate | 10-30-2017 13:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe you misunderstood me. I love you in a "tennis score" sort of way.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How do they explain this to the authorities? Me, at the end of every horror movie
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid I made my dad a clay ashtray. Millennials probably think I should be locked up.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The irony is overwhelming. The "LOCK HER UP" guy is getting his ass locked up. Hahaha!
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm on my third round of candy that we are not eating before Halloween.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When your leg twitches while you sleep that is your skeleton trying to escape because you are vulnerable
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I thought it was PMS, but apparently wild mood swings and mango cravings are just part of who she is
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not sure how many trick-or-treaters we will get, so better buy 400x more than I expect.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Looking for meaningless likes and retweets? Post something about candy corn.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When the zombies come, my plan is to hope they are all dyslexic and go after the Brians
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:10 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I am visualizing a world of peace and harmony that has never known conflict. And I am visualizing us completely dominating that world.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I go to restaurants where the waiter takes your order, and then purposely walks by your table with plates of what you could have ordered.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my wife ever comes back as a ghost, the message written on my bathroom mirror in blood will be PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At some point we will have to sit down and discuss Kenny Loggins
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just saw a guy in the laundrymat throw in his NO FEAR white t-shirt with his colors. That guy is living the dream.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You will NEVER find the love of your life, if YOU ARE the love of your life.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 19:36 Comments (1)  

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