Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?
←Rate | 10-28-2017 18:02 by flinnie Comments (2)  


   messageicon Remember before hand sanitizer & antibacterial soap when we slammed our faces into a slobber-filled bucket of water trying to get an apple?
←Rate | 10-28-2017 18:52 by andrewjackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
←Rate | 10-28-2017 18:55 by unknowncomic Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Anybody can throw a slant" except maybe University of Florida
←Rate | 10-28-2017 22:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
←Rate | 10-29-2017 01:37 by JAKE Comments (0)  


   messageicon Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts. B
←Rate | 10-29-2017 05:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am in a bloodsucking relationship with survival.
←Rate | 10-29-2017 07:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."
←Rate | 10-29-2017 11:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got bone spurs, that jingle jangle jingles.....
←Rate | 10-29-2017 13:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Trump is actually guilty in the Russia scandals then I will seriously commit suicide.
←Rate | 10-29-2017 15:04 by MAGAconservative Comments (3)  


   messageicon Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.
←Rate | 10-29-2017 18:32 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon No way the Reese's Cups make it till Tuesday...
←Rate | 10-29-2017 21:32 by Spence Comments (0)  


   messageicon Love is...never having to say “wrong hole”
←Rate | 10-30-2017 02:48 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon HER: Will you miss me? ME: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern
←Rate | 10-30-2017 02:50 by psycho Comments (0)  


   messageicon setting a liar's pants on fire considered arson? Asking for a friend.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 07:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always try to keep a good Facebook profile picture of myself. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 07:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to "Let me go or I'm calling the police."
←Rate | 10-30-2017 08:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does anyone know a good Russian accountant? I need their help on tax evasion.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 09:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who are the fallen soldiers more mad at (1) Football players who take a knee or (2) A sellout who hands over the presidency of America to Russian control?
←Rate | 10-30-2017 11:59 Comments (2)  


   messageicon I can't concentrate on my work until Google fixes the cheeseburger emoji.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 12:18 Comments (0)  



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