Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon When ur wife keeps her head on ur chest N slowly asks, "Dear, do you have any women in ur life other than me"? Remember ur answer is not important at this time, what is important is ur heartbeat. Keep calm n breathe easy. It's A biometic test
←Rate | 11-04-2017 05:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If Stranger Things has taught us anything it's that we miss the 80's way too much
←Rate | 11-04-2017 05:46 by @jmichek Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kevin Spacy is innocent. He was framed by Kaiser Soze.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 09:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's hard to hit on someone when you're holding a bag of dog crap.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 12:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Husband and I just burped at exactly the same time and it's the closest we've come to having sex this week.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 12:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 12:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kinda pissed that OJ is living a better life than me right now.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 13:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [creating a sloth] God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink
←Rate | 11-04-2017 13:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When these kids were saying on November 4th they were gonna be killing Nazis, were they talking about the new Call of Duty?
←Rate | 11-04-2017 14:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I came into this world with nothing, and still have most of it.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 17:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cop came over and told me that my dog was chasing people on a bike....I told him, "Don't be ridiculous, my dog doesn't doesn't own a bike."
←Rate | 11-04-2017 17:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] Me: I'm having an affair
←Rate | 11-04-2017 20:40 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gotta give credit where credit is due. Canada really schooled us in the UFC fight.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 00:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Turn your clocks back to before Obama became president
←Rate | 11-05-2017 05:15 Comments (1)  

   messageicon The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 06:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 06:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Only had to turn my clock back one hour instead of 20 years like I did last January
←Rate | 11-05-2017 07:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I'm sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ~ Angus Young of AC/DC
←Rate | 11-05-2017 07:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No one is giving you free airline tickets, a week at Disney, a cruise or a cabin in the woods for a year. If you want those things, put down your GD phone, tablet or computer and get off your a$$ and earn them!!
←Rate | 11-05-2017 09:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trump just told the prime minister of Japan why a country of samurai warriors did not shoot down the N. Korea missiles. This is better than any reality show, LOL!
←Rate | 11-05-2017 17:40 Comments (0)  

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