Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A relationship is doomed from the beginning, when all you bring to the table is your private parts.

   I stopped complaining about my insomnia when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.

   I bought a roll-a-way bed the other day. I haven't tried it out yet . . . I haven't been able to catch it!!!

   Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

   The busiest person at the White House is whoever has to update the office contact list.

   I have a night light in my room because it makes me feel safe. Nothing scares a monster more than a low wattage light bulb shaped like a Donald Duck.

   Ghosts be like "I'm evil, I've been here for hundreds of years and you should be terrified. And the best example of my fearsome power will be to close this door a little bit."

   "don't put all your eggs in one basket" .....good thing we use store bags

   What if April 2 is April Fool's Day and we've been April Fooled all this time?

   I love millennials. Their are so many parallel parking spaces they don't know how to park.

   I am making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.

   I told my kids the Easter bunny is lazy...He didn't even cook or color the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge

   My doctor told me to stay off sugar until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 28 twitter followers, what does he even know?

   The larger the implants, the more likely women get confused by a push/pull door

   If you receive a text/forward that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend while forwarding it, thanks

   I already finished my chocolate bunny. Next year I want a chocolate moose.

   the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

   The shooter most likely got tired of not been able to skip ads on youtube

   why do they call it delivering a baby if you still have to take the baby home yourself?

   You're not satisfied with your life? Complain about it on Facebook, God must be subscribed to your updates