Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5643 of 6447

At night, every car that drives behind me automatically becomes a cop car.
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09-28-2010 14:43
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- - Stephen Hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day.
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09-28-2010 14:31 by trickz100
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- If round pegs fit in round holes, and square pegs fit in square holes, why isnt my c*ck shaped like an axe?
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09-28-2010 14:20 by trickz100
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Thought it was true love, but you know women lie.
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09-28-2010 14:19
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The "Like" button is the new red AIDS ribbon. It allows people to feel like they're being supportive without having to actually do anything.
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09-28-2010 13:42
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I didn't realize Toyota was so LGBT friendly, but apparently the Tundra comes with an aluminum tranny.
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09-28-2010 13:41
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In the wake of the tornado, Fox News is whipping up a frenzy over the plans of some munchkins to build a community center in Williamsburg.
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09-28-2010 13:40
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.If you ever start to feel good about humanity, just spend five minutes in a Trader Joe's parking lot.
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09-28-2010 13:37
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having a threesome with aunt jemima & mrs. butterworth

I got an enema in honor of National Punctuation Day. I now have a perfect colon.
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09-28-2010 13:03 by me
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California is suspending executions due to lethal drug shortage. Someone should talk to Texas. I bet they're storing their surplus in caves.
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09-28-2010 13:03 by me
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Ahh Sams Club.. Ever notice the people who frequent that place? It's kind of like the bar scene from StarWars
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09-28-2010 12:34
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If your thinking of watching...Scott Pilgrim vs. the World...Just shoot yourself in the face now and save yourself some misery.
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09-28-2010 11:52 by John
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The first testicular guard “Cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. We have our priorities…
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09-28-2010 11:16 by Michael
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If you cant beat them, put a few drops of Visine in their coffee.
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09-28-2010 11:04 by @tejas74
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I ran my WII, PS3 and Xbox 360 all at the same time. Jesus appeared in my living room and shook his index finger at me.
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09-28-2010 11:03 by @tejas74
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Don't you just hate it when you're in the express queue at the supermarket and the person in front of you has 15-20 items in their basket and you only have 2...
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09-28-2010 10:01
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attempting to cook a blackbean & chicken rice dish but can't see with all the thick black smoke and as for these bloody alarms ringing in my ears, saying that it must smell good, 8 men have just piled out of a red truck are trying to break down my door
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09-28-2010 09:52 by pabs
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Oh I can see by your Four Square there that you just checked into Target. Be sure to notify us all when you check into therapy.

Facebook has pretty much made it impossible to ever again say, "I had no idea it was your birthday!"