Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon [Leaving the drive thru] Fries: Can’t you even wait until you get home? Stop that. I said stop! Noooo...
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:18 Comments (9)  

   messageicon My coffee pot screamed my name this morning as it spurted its hot liquid inside the carafe.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sex so good you need the jaws of life to pry you apart.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you
←Rate | 10-22-2017 08:11 by andrewjackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 08:20 by unknowncomic Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife finally broke our dog begging at the table. She let him taste her cooking.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 15:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter
←Rate | 10-22-2017 20:58 by markf Comments (1)  

   messageicon It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 21:10 Comments (1)  

   messageicon What if tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow?
←Rate | 10-22-2017 21:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon my great great grandfather: I cleared 40 acres by hand and grew food to feed people. My father: I fought WWII and ended the horror. Me: I think $9.99/month might be too much for Spotify.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 21:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was talking to my dog about you all and he agrees you're crazy.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 21:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Justin Bieber getting tats is like putting racing stripes on a moped.
←Rate | 10-23-2017 12:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you ever wonder what your pets biological parents would have named them?
←Rate | 10-23-2017 12:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just sneezed and felt something pop in my neck and my left hand went numb. Might have to put off my UFC career for another week.
←Rate | 10-23-2017 12:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Unprotected sex is like using a credit card, enjoy now and pay later.
←Rate | 10-23-2017 15:25 by @dannymakwela1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your wife tells you that your right. Is that sarcasm?
←Rate | 10-23-2017 19:51 by Jake Comments (2)  

   messageicon Trick your neighbors into thinking that you’re a werewolf, by sleeping naked in their garden.
←Rate | 10-23-2017 21:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it a "Beanbag Chair" and not a "Sack of Sit"?
←Rate | 10-24-2017 08:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to complain because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. So I asked him if he had any shoes I could have since he didn't need them anymore.
←Rate | 10-24-2017 12:47 by FastPhil Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you’re ugly, when you can’t even get poked on FB.
←Rate | 10-24-2017 15:03 Comments (0)  

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