Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm impressed. Someone went to a lot of trouble to turn this Waffle House into a Waffle Home.

   That was terrible. For next year's INTERNATIONAL Women's Day, you should only tweet if you have at least TWO citizenships

   Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones

   I'm already a mess. I just need to add some hot to it.

   Insanity is not doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That's called practice.

   I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.

   *quietly tries to open a bag of chips during doggy style*

   I had all kinds of plans for today but then I heard Rump Shaker on the radio and now all I wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.

   Woman claim that they are good at multitasking. If so why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time

   After just winning a four month battle with my oven clock it's dayligit saving time and back to the battle.

   I think daylight saving time should start on a friday at 4pm instead of 2am sunday morning.

   Start getting it on with your girl at 1:58 am. Brag to everyone tomorrow that you lasted for over an hour!

   On the day that daylight saving time begins. Every husband should have sex with their wife at 1:55am this way the wife can't complain about it only lasting ten minutes

   I've been sober for like 40 days. Not in a row, just 40 days total...

   Fun fact: Daylight saving time is almost a 100 years old. It was enacted on March 19 1918.

   I'm not one for eating oat-meal. My box of Quaker oats is so old that picture of the quarker on the box has brown hair.

   Fun fact: Trump has been President for 407 days and he just spent his 100th day playing golf

   Everyone just so happens to own a broken clock in Arizona tonight....

   I'd rather go camping with a stranger from Craigslist than go to your kids birthday party.

   Condolences to Martin Shkreli's cellmate for the extra 20 years he's gonna get for definitely murdering Martin Skreli