Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I was country, when country wasn't cool"....newflash...it still isn't.

   * I hear that he has the fire department on standby at his speeches in case his pants catch fire.

   Bike Week: A bunch of lowlifes in need of a bath, riding around drunk, causing traffic jams, clogging up restaurants for no apparent reason other than to drive local residents up the wall with loud noise.

   Thanks for all the heroin OBAMA

   My worst fear of getting older is chewing for no reason.

   So....what do you think of your military parade now?

   Good job Trump for finally denouncing the white nationalists. Now that wasn't hard, was it?

   still mad at my friend for stealing my Tom & Jerry Poster! Grow up!!"

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

   Tough decisions... Beat off in the shower and waste water or use Kleenex and add to landfill? What can I say? I love Mother Earth and big t*tties!!

   I am blessed to have two beautiful kids. Thank god my wife cheated on me!!

   As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your children and pets. To turn this option off, go to Settings > Privacy > Meals. Click the top button to not feed the employees of Facebook anything. Copy this to your status to warn your friends.

   I can think of 6 reasons why I should sleep with this guy and I can count those reasons on his stomach.

   Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

   I'm going to stand outside... So if anyone asks, tell them I'm outstanding

   Last night I got so drunk that I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you.... but I've never driven a bus before.

   Apple was considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well

   coulda sworn I read most of these jokes already on the android joke app:/

   Blind people dont skydive because it would scare the shit out of there dog

   Seriously who gives a flying fig about the "Super Bowl"?