Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   contemplating standing up from his desk, stripping down to his tighty whities whilst spontaneously yelling out "Frank the Tank" as he walks out the door...

   just came out of KFC with a Family Feast and some awesome sides. A poor homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days". I said, "I wish I had your f*ing willpower!".

   SKY news announced that Tampax have signed on to sponsor Tiger Woods. A spokesman for Tampax said, "To sponsor a c*nt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about".

   In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.

   when I was a YOUNG artist.... my box of CRAYONS would only last ONCE...I would burn and MELT them into ART!

   Wait they replaced The Cookie Monster on Sesame Street with The Veggie Monster? What the f**k is this?

   when the Neilson Ratings called me to survey what I watch on TV... I let them know what shows are stupid and pointless....Unfortunately, they are still airing JERSEY SHORE!

   Think the Crayola people would get mad if I try to burn there Crayon?

   wondering if night-time funeral processions drive with their lights off or what?

   Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

   OK...I have 20 Bowls and 20 Lids...Not NONE of the dang things match!!

   Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine;)

   Dear Americans, you need to burn Calories, NOT THE QURAAN !!

   Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.

   Why is it called 'dry humping' when I still need a towel?

   just changed my profile date of birth and was really loving all the attention until my mom wished me a Happy Birthday. My own mother didn't even know my real birthday is not until April.

   dislikes people who make fun of Brett Favre just because of his age. Basically all you're saying is "He's older then me, and still play's the game better then I ever will."

   Trick or treat is not a game

   Would it be good news or bad news if your Girlfriend told you that she was already married???

   Okay...someone explain this to me. You have five urinals in a public restroom and are using the one all the way at the end. Someone walks in and....out of the four other available urinals, decides to "neighbor pee" in the one next to you......WTH?!?