Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This program has been brought to you by Smirnoff Vodka. Smirnoff...soon to be the official drink of the USA.

   Hey, I know. Let's make it real hard for people to murder other people.

   When a cop shoots a thug everyone blames the person. When a kid shoots a school, everyone blames the gun...

   Origami was invented by a guy who kept running out of toilet paper

   Wife asked if I could pick up milk on the way home, so I flexed both arms to reassure her

   Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.

   If April showers bring may flowers. What does mayflowers bring? Pilgrims

   Worlds shortest joke- "Two women are sitting quietly"

   Being lazier right now than the guy who designed the Japanese flag

   One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves

   RelationSHIPS sink when they have too many passengers

   wondering why people with hundreds of friends on FB are spending their time on FB and not with one of them instead

   My wife says I'm the kind of person she has to warn people about in advance and apologize for afterwords.

   I was super lazy today. It’s like regular lazy but I wear a cape.

   Every fad becomes a punchline. We build things up jus to knock them down.

   I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because I love fishing.

   Deja boo - the feeling that you've been afraid of this before.

   So have they made a drink called "Tequila Mockingbird" yet? What the hell are they waiting for?

   If it's really the thought that counts, we're all screwed.

   The self checkout line was invented for a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.