Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I credit Tetris for the speed and agility I display when loading the dishwasher

   I lost my phone for an hour. The day I lost my 5 year-old neice at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life.

   likes saying YOU'RE WELCOME really loudly when people don't thank you.

   always happy, and wondering how they will find pppropriate picture to use on his obituary

   If you didn't do anything wrong, then why do you look as nervous as a pedophile on parole at Chucky Cheese?!

   how does one reconcile the statements "If at first you don't succeed, try try again" and "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results"?

   wonders if bear cubs wrestle and bite each other to prepare for hunting and caring for themselves as adults, why do babies pull folded laundry out of a basket and lay it all over the floor? Preparing to be husbands?

   even the dark is frightened of me !

   has been thinking a lot lately. Did I say "thinking"? I meant "drinking."

   beginning to feel like every day of my life is like an open tryout for a wacky new reality television show.

   going to start a rival site to Facebook. Not to compete with Facebook but for your rivals. You could get in touch with all your arch-enemies, and show how much you dislike them.

   noticed on the news earlier that the Popemobile has got a very distinctive personal number plate: 1 H4V3 M4DD13. No idea what that's all about.

   BBC News: Pope offers 'hand of friendship'... followed shortly by an offer of sweets and viewing of his new puppies in the Vatican basement!

   Her: ''Honey, you never listen to what I say!'' --- Him: ''Of course they will.''

   The equation for Lady Gaga's Bad Romance :(RAH)^2 (AH)^3 + RO(MA +(MA)^2) + (GA)^2 + OOH(LA)^2

   Don't worry about that old lady crossing the street...she rolled the dice the second she stepped off the curb.

   wonders why girls can't get their pictures taken without pursing their lips like little who*res.

   one of the biggest compliments you can receive is when someone posts a status update about your status update

   I kissed Troy's mom and she like it, hope his squirrel friend don't mind it

   wonders when when when will I learn to post an independent congrats and not reply to an announcement so that I won't get fifty-seven updates while every other kind person offers their congratulations?