Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If "Twitter" wasn't such a lame name, and if it wasn't called "tweeting", I'd probably be into it.

   Today at work both the UPS & Fedex guy showed up at the same time, I don't know who was more uncomfortable me or them.

   I am fairly certain that the last thing to ever fail on my car is that god damn signal that warns me that I am not wearing my seatbelt.

   I feel accomplished when I can identify the show or movie that people are watching in their little car televisions.

   Everybody knows that couple that should've broken up sixteen times already because they fight like kangaroos. "We're workin' it out" they alway say. Ummm no. You're "workin' it in."

   I was riding shotgun in an old man's truck when his cell phone rang. He checked who it was and said, 'I have to take this' then pulled over, parked, then answered the phone. What?

   Hey guy with the flat billed hat turned sideways and pants half off, I'm pretty sure the world will never take you seriously, ever! But, way to keep trying

   There is always one person at the card table who has to be told it is their turn.

   Here's to hoping next time Lady Gaga wears a dress made out of Justin Bieber.

   I see a lite in the distance....could be a Miller Lite, I better go check it out!

   The happiest sentence: "...but I love you". The saddest sentence: "I love you but..."

   Beekapoo is me the lime

   At first we were just going to stay home at Intercourse, PA but then my wife said she wanted a vacation out of the states so now we are going to Phucket Thailand

   agrees with Ellen DeGeneres. Tennis ball chasers would be more efficient if they used a leaf blower.

   at Office Depot wearing a raincoat looking for a staple remover.

   Dad always tried to warn me that if I continued to play with the stapler while naked I would eventually be bored enough to try stapling things that should not be stapled. For well over 30 years I proved Dad wrong. Today, however, he was finally right.

   Dear Mrs. Obama- I've scheduled some movers for tomorrow at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

   there should be a happy hr during the work day whos on board

   facebook should add a b*tchslap otion along with like or dislike option

   Today I went to IKEA and hid in the wardrobes. And every time someone opened the doors I welcomed them to Narnia!