Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone should invent an alarm clock that automatically reports you sick when you've pressed snooze 3 times

   My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry, which led to me playing a game of Uno

   He floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee......Happy Birthday.....to the LEGENDARY Man Muhammad Ali

   Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine

   Boss: You're fired Me: *turns in my gun and my badge* Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

   You’re multifaceted like a diamond, or a schizophrenic.

   Tide pods are just cleaning up the people that should have been stains in the first place.

   Trying to find a name for your child really exposes how many people you have met in your life that you now hate

   I keep failing this captcha test and now I think I may be a robot

   The only thing shocking about people on the red carpet now is when they touch something metal

   Stranger Things got it all wrong. It should have started Season 1 as Strange Things

   I'm holding out for the Buttermilk Ranch Tide pods.

   Last time I told my kids to play outdoors they thought I was talking about some old school riock group. They asked Siri to play songs by Outdoors.

   So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did

   I bought an orange blanket. Now if I am late for work I can wrap it around me and say I was just rescued by the fire department

   Little girl was crying and told me she was lost. "You're at City Park, kid."

   So,,,,,,now that people are eating tide pods,,,,,does that mean they identify as a washing machine, now? I'm confused

   I once was brave enough to shave my privates with a straight razor. But now I don't have the balls to do it again.

   I was not planning to buy a mattress today, but then I saw a kid twirling a sign like a helicopter and now all I want to do is buy a mattress

   Kids have middle names so they can tell when they're really in trouble.