Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do dragons blow out candles on their birthday cake?

   You millenials have it so good --- we could only like 6 songs max and had to carve their names in a rock

   Donald J. Trump. The "J" stands for genius.

   Musical Electric Chairs. For death row inmates. Lets make it fun and televise it. . .

   A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive

   A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of our ribbon-repair business

   "O say can you something something" - Donald Trump singing our National Anthem.

   Apparently these new inkjet cartridges were improved to show that the printer is already out of ink

   Ladies......If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is

   I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me

   The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house

   I know French too: Jean val Jean is French for "pants more pants"

   As a high school student, I think I was bitten by a radioactive sloth

   One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2

   If by "cruches" you mean the sound potato chips make when I eat them, then yes, certainly I do crunches

   Changed Siri voice to male. ME: Siri, which way to the beach? SIRI: Dude just keep driving until you see a lot of water.

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes

   Understanding women is simple. No means no. Maybe means no. And no means yes