Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girl can't hear loud noises when she sleeping, but when a ant tiptoes across the floor she jumps up like gunshot were fired

   People who hate hand gestures: I salute you.

   Life isn't fair. Especially when I'm involved.

   just taught my 4 year old son how to make stick people out of tampons

   can wait for my high school reunion, he is going to be so mad I stole his girlfriend

   How the heck do you have 1,560 facebook friends? with 45 phone contacts? am I missing something here

   i was trying to remember how to throw a boomerang and then it suddenly came back to me

   : Jesus says to John, "Come forth and I shall give you eternal life"....John came in fifth...He won a toaster.

   If Barbie isn't a slut... Then why do people have to buy her boyfriends!?

   Apparently I should have Googled to see how to remove duct tape from my nutsack BEFORE sticking it there. Add that to my list of answers Google cannot find. Ouch. This is not good.

   Humpty Dumpty fell off my FB wall. Somebody poked him.

   Now I know why they call it the "California roll"!! They just as well take down the stop signs out here!!

   Where the heck is that "Polka" button Facebook that everyone keeps talking about?! I have my accordian and am ready to boogie.

   I got stone cold case of the muchies so bad that I'm eating Macaroni and Cheese straight out of the box and chasing it with a glass of milk and butter. So good! I'm tempted to try snorting that powdered cheesy goodness for ultimate processed food high.

   If a clown offers you a hamburger, and it's not Ronald McDonald, do not eat the hamburger. I learned that the hard way.

   I was on a plane the other day and when it landed, the pilot said, "Those of you needing wheelchair assistance, please remain seated." I don't think they had much of a choice.

   peeing on your wall

   A priest, a rabbi and a clown walk into a bar, and the bartender says: "Is this some kind of joke?"

   Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have f****** with? That's me.

   I don't care what happens when FATHER catches DAUGHTER on her WEBCAM! Stop posting that darn link to my wall!!