Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the part of the whole sexting craze that gives me the greatest sense of outrage is the part where I'm not involved in it at all.

   Back in the day, pirates used to raid armed ships, fight off trained swordsman for their gold, and survive on deserted islands with no other means of support. Now they sit in a chair and download movies. How far they have fallen?

   I sure am glad they give me a lead vest when they're giving me x-rays at the dentist. It gives the impression those rays must be dangerous. I'd hate to have something bad happen to my chest while I'm having dangerous x-rays shot into my head.

   How do I know that Facebook is a woman? Well a man would never ask "Whats on your mind?" Would he?

   I did not fall! The floor looked sad, so I gave it a hug!!

   Save water... shower with me!

   I wish I had a theme song whenever I did something awesome.

   Little known fact of the day: Did you know that the little dot above the "i" and "j" is called a tittle

   If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.

   Has anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy?

   Logging off Facebook is like trying to get away from the bar. It's always, "I'll just have one more..."

   They have tracking on Facebook so your family and friends know where you are? If I wanted them to know where I was I would answer my phone.

   I'm old enough to know what's bad for me and young enough to do it.

   The hell with Calgone...Whiskey take me away!!!

   found Jesus! I spoke to him on the phone today and he lives in Hampstead, Florida and he works for Dish Network!

   Any ever noticed that lol looks like a tiny person raising the roof?

   poking Osama bin laden to update his location on Facebook.

   Bought a CD of ice cream van music.Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.”

   Obamacare ~~ It's the healthcare 9 out of 10 illegal aliens recommend the most!

   to the two men who laughingly dismissed the cute blonde walking in front of us because "she's got muffin top": SO DO YOU, you just cleverly hide your early-30s pudge in those relaxed-fit Dockers you're wearing. P.S. You are balding.