Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went to a Black Friday thing a my sweetheart’s house… all clothes were 100% off.

   You know it was a rough night when your iPhone X doesn't recognize your face in the morning...

   Mexican words of the day: Bishop and Lysol. Will somebody please shut that Hillary Bishop. She Lysol the time.

   Gonorrhea would have been a good name for a diarrhea medicine... #DeepThoughts

   Santa Claus is jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

   When you’re only 14 and you have no friends. This is what you do?

   You can’t play it safe and have fun; but with fun, there comes a price.

   Claustrophobic : A person afraid of Santa Claus

   Just been to the gym for the 5th time in a week, and people are saying things like "well done!", "that's so impressive!", and "you can't come in here just to use the vending machine

   Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.

   Today only: PetSmart is giving away free canaries with no perches necessary.

   Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

   Some times you have to ask yourself. Is it worth the rug burn. . .

   R. M. Was turned down on his offer to play santa at an all girls middle school.

   My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch, its called #LUNCH

   breaking news... sorry folks, christmas has been cancelled due to santa being fired for asking a girl if she had been naughty or nice...

   I don't think I can name one unemployed coal miner who has gotten a job in the last 10 months.

   christmas has been cancelled this year due to santa being fired for inappropriate behavior by asking a girl if she had been naughty or nice...

   So I was right! - I tell my wife about buying the genetically modified turkey as I eat the 5th turkey leg

   The punisher is like every other Marvel Tv show on Netflix. Could have done everything in 2 episodes but decided to add 8 more unnecessary ones.