Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just remember the knight in shining armor just might be an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.

   wonders if there is a manly way to eat a banana??

   Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license.

   You did WHAT?? With WHO?? Behind WHAT barn?? For how many COOKIES!?!?

   Trust me, if I want your opinion-I'll remove the f*cking duct tape.

   Good morning Monday...now get outta my face!

   would like to live the life of a Bachelorette.. you know, date multiple guys and have them all be OK with it.. :0/

   if you think being weak is meak, try being meak for a week

   People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church.

   battery operated boyfriend is the best man I ever known! does what I tell him and hums while he does it

   not a performance , and is not here for personal entertainment or enlightenment !

   Money can only buy imitation happiness. I would be happy with that.

   you know you're getting OLD when your BRAND NEW car you drove in high school now qualifies for an ANTIQUE car tag.

   never thought he'd be staring at boobs on sesame street….sweet.

   I vote for a 3 day weekend and a 4 day work week.

   You stop telling lies about me, and I'll stop telling the truth about you...

   had the urge to clean today untill I turned on NFL REDZONE. The urge soon passed, I did clean my plate off at lunch time......does that count?????

   There is an official UN appointee for First Contact should aliens arrive. I can't believe I didn't get that job.

   I throw my Skittles in the air sometimes sayin aaayooo, taste the rainbow!!!

   can we pretend that helicopter in are night sky is not following me, I really wish I hadn't bought that weed, bought of weed...