Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When there was only one set of footprints, that was when Jesus was flying. What, you don't think Jesus can FLY??

   At the Halloween store: the "Slutty Frankenstein" costumes aren't flying off the shelves.

   Inventor of Segway drives it off cliff to his death. Bet he wishes he would have invented a hang glider.

   Men are like movies. After 3 plays, you want to return them.

   hates it when the doctor tells me I'm going to feel a slight sensation... *shudder*

   Everyone around me Getting Married OR Pregnant, But am getting DRUNK!

   I bought a piece of furniture last night, but when I woke up it was gone. Who knew they made one night stands!?

   Happy Birthday to YOU, Google. May this be the year you find what you've been searching for......

   Ladies, pay attention ... sperm is made up of anger, stress, and anxiety ... best way to keep a man happy is to rid them of this negativity ... regularly!!!

   Wanna know why god invented the womens belly button? So you have a place to put your gum on the way down!

   Random thought: Ed Hardy shirts are the new sweatpants; wearing them in public means you've given up on life.

   People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

   outside of all the killing, washington has the lowest crime rate in the country

   the doctor x-rayed my head an found nothng...

   ....and now the sequence of events in no particular order

   i think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a women

   RELATIONSHIP: A bond between two people; One person works to create/maintain love and fufillment while the other person waits for something better to come along....:(

   **best way to be noticed in a bank** EVERYBODY FREEZE!....did anybody else feel that earthquake?

   says, "Hello Monday..." the same way Jerry Seinfeld says, "Hello Newman..."

   MMMmmmm just saw an ad for the New Playstation "Move".......... looks amazingly like Wii........ 3 years later...Way to stay on top of your game there Sony... just like coming out with your MP3 player after the I-Pod.....