Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am now an official card carrying member P.E.T.A. - People Eating Tastey Animals.

   stopped by the cash machine today, printed out my balance statement, and it read "B**CH, YOU JUST GOT PAAAAID!!!" wohooooo! I ♥ YOU PAYDAY

   You know things are tough when my retirement plan consist of playing the lottery :(

   remember the days when Blackberry and Apple were just names of fruit?

   Sick! You can type your Facebook Password into a comment and it comes up as stars!! ********** haha cool!

   I hate that show HOUSE. He always finds the cure 3 minutes left within the show. That gimpy son of a b*tch...

   I wish my laundry were more like me and do itself.

   knock knock??? whos there?? I eat mop! I eat mopwho!! haha you eat your poo

   God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...

   There is nothing like bringing the log to the beaver first thing in the morning.

   knows it is a sure sign of Autumn, when the Tea Party Witch, Christine O'Donnell from Delaware, makes chowder in her cauldron.

   Barn raising,Frontierville,and Farm town have turned seemily well to do people in to beggars

   Dreams touch your heart and soul, it is a magical memory that unites fantasy and reality.....Welcome aboard to “Sweet Dreams” airline, All passengers on bed hug ur pillows, as the flight will be leaving soon to dream land. Enjoy your flight…“Good

   Why do I happen to wear black when I'm eating powdered donuts. Dammit.

   When outdoors use the buddy system... if a wild animal approaches push your buddy toward it and run like hell

   Stay strong; the best things in life are worth fighting for.

   I don't get jealous when I see my ex with someone new, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to someone less fortunate

   Do not be sad if people preferred another one on you .. It's hard to convince the monkey that strawberries sweeter than bananas

   its better to lose a lover then to love a loser

   OK Girls sorry to say this but Sometimes your knight in shining armor Guy is actually a dumb ass in aluminum foil.