Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can bone spurs keep you out of prison?

   According to your logic, I guess 9/11 is fake news because CNN reported it.

   Donna Brazille and Fauxcahontas both confirm Crooked Hillary rigged the DNC to win the nomination yet still lost the election. President Trump was right again. Dummy-crats still stupefied.

   Pro tip: Buy Halloween candy today. It's on sale and you get to eat it all!

   God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

   this is a good time to buy the Halloween candy. it makes great stocking stuffers

   Rude is saying STFU. Polite is saying please STFU.

   My brother came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.

   This afternoon I was so excited to find a sizable cache of Bitcoins in a shoe box! Upon further examination it turned out to be old arcade tokens I'd forgotten about. Damn.

   A cup of coffee so strong it doesn’t just pick me up, it reenacts the lift scene from Dirty Dancing.

   Nothing like a little chloroform and some duct tape to hold a relationship together.

   She’s not angry...she just doesn’t like you.

   When ur wife keeps her head on ur chest N slowly asks, "Dear, do you have any women in ur life other than me"? Remember ur answer is not important at this time, what is important is ur heartbeat. Keep calm n breathe easy. It's A biometic test

   If Stranger Things has taught us anything it's that we miss the 80's way too much

   Kevin Spacy is innocent. He was framed by Kaiser Soze.

   It's hard to hit on someone when you're holding a bag of dog crap.

   Husband and I just burped at exactly the same time and it's the closest we've come to having sex this week.

   I've never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.

   Kinda pissed that OJ is living a better life than me right now.

   [creating a sloth] God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink