Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   Old saying is that curiosity killed the cat, but I am pretty sure it was that '16 Ford Expedition

   Can somebody tell me how Finding Dory ends? I was watching video of the minivan in front of me took an exit off the highway

   I'm not looking like a million dollars today, more like about $19.95. But I am hanging out at the Dollar Store so I am feeling pretty good.

   The most impoprtant thing I have learned about parenthood is many times my parents must have come close to child murder.

   My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating

   Looking for a way to charge my dog for staring at the window and watching squirrels all day. Petflix

   this girl I'm stalking never returns any of my texts,i think I should stalk other women.

   A spelling bee sounds like a horrifying creature that bellows out words and then stings you when you get one wrong.

   Facebook requires 8 character complex password for what? The bank only wants a 4-digit number to remove all my cash.

   Holding off getting ready because it's not nearly the last minute yet.

   I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"

   Ladies, if three or more guys have called you crazy, you're crazy...

   Dating site for pyromaniacs: Match.com

   In an attempt to eat healthier I started buying Coke and Cheetos at Trader Joe's.

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM

   I like to yell "Don't Forget!" to people as I am leaving so they panic over nothing

   Are you supposed to sound like one of your parents when you sneeze?

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a "Fold" cycle? It's 2017 for Chrissake. -Me