Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wouldn't it be nice if you could adjust the brightness level of people like you can on your TV?

   "Friday" is an old Indian word that means "Just two more days until Monday."

   I feel like if people wanted Clinton to come out and address every major event in the country, they probably should have elected her?

   But Officer, I wasn't tailgating. I was drafting.

   Some girl on Facebook just posted "I'm so happy right now that nothing can bring me down!" Should I tell her about gravity?

   If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

   A smart man covers his ass. A wise man keeps his pants on.

   Teacher: Billy, what rhymes with orange? Billy: No it doesn't.

   I know what you did last Friday the 13th.

   Sister ask her brother: Am I pretty or ugly? Brother: Your both. Sister: What do you mean? Brother: Your pretty ugly.

   Speaking from experience, the 1950's era waa the greatest time in US history.

   If there are three ducks on a pond and you shoot one how many would be left on the pond? None. The other two would fly away after hearing the gun shot.

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   I owe you an apology. And on a related note, a cat.

   Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.

   [first date] she: i'm a cat person me, trying to impress: *pushes her phone off the table*

   The Internet reveals more devils than vast hell can hold.

   You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.

   I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.

   Any girls that are jealous they can't get in on this, "Me too" craze sweeping Social media today, hmu. I think I can help you out