Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Excuse you, I'm in your way ... you should watch where I'm going!!

   I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

   I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D.

   Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

   It's a shame that all the people who know how to run the country are all busy driving taxi's and cutting hair!

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

   Why is it that people always point to their wrist when they ask what time it is? I don't see them pointing to their ass when they ask where that bathroom is!!!

   I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man. But apparently, they're not a "proper present".

   If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters.

   Ive not seen such a guilty face since I finished my jigsaw of O J Simpson

   No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been feeding off "I Don't Like Mondays" for 30 years.

   there anything sadder than seeing someone with a dog picking up dog sh*t? Actually, maybe somebody without a dog!

   I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

   Venus Williams has brought something different to the women's game – male genitalia.

   I live in an apartment with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer

   Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

   Beepedy,beep beep....

   An email virus caused millions of dollars in damages to home computers around the world this week. Time for some pay back...lets all punch a Nerd in the face!

   I'm not a drunk. I just play one under the TV.