Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how long it took for the Playmates to realize that Hugh's Viagra had worn off and rigor mortis had set in...

   Y'all. I thought we were all streaking as an homage to Hugh Hefner. Anyway, I'm gonna need bail money. Again.

   Twitter is going to 280 characters? That is so awesome, T rum p can now piss off twice as many people.

   Sure I will read Hugh Hefner's obituary. But only for the articles.

   I find it very funny that all the women who say Trump is a sexist pig are saying farewell to Hugh Hefner who did nothing but exploit women all his life....

   leave it to Hugh Hefner to die on hump day

   If North Korea hits us, I think the Military should kneel down and let the NFL players handle it.

   Instead of reading Hugh Hefner's obituary I'm just gonna look at the pictures.

   Bruce Willis to return for Die Hard 6. Working titles are "Die Hard: Speak Up Please" and "Die Hard: When I was your age"

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   If you thought Han Solo was cool you should see his brother Guitar

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink

   Just added pressure to my tires today. I leaned over and whispered "You better start doing your frickin job or you will have a date with the shredder."

   Just a friendly reminder. Trump's fiscal year starts when?.... October.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best meds in the world, but they’re right up there.

   No matter how much you push the envelope - it'll still be stationery.

   I hate it when you try to stay behind someone one car-length for every 10 mph of speed like you were taught in Driver's Ed, and then some idiot pulls in front of you.

   BREAKING: Chicago Police Dept has replaced all sirens with the National Anthem, to force suspects to stop running and take a knee.