Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The pe*is has it rough! his hair is always a mess. His family is nuts. And his neighbor is a a$$hole.

   If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

   You b*tch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

   Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning". ;)

   No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

   I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

   I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

   Cmon, write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!!

   QUICK!! To the Bandwagon!! (to Vikings fans, this blew up my profile with responses today!))

   thinks the vikings this season is gonna be like watching a car wreck, where you know its gonna be ugly, but you gotta watch anyways...only with really old collector cars...

   I just heard that Randy Moss is writing his life story. He's only written two chapters and already he's finished an entire box of crayons. :)

   So I wonder will Moss wear #84 again? Seems that wouldn't be good for jersey sales as everyone on the bandwagon 10 years ago prob still has their Moss jersey in the back of their closet or trailer or whatever...

   If only you knew what I was capable of...

   thinks that if Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga had a baby, it would look like Chuky.

   slowly going insane... just to get away from all these normal ppl... O.o

   chloraseptic tastes like the smell of a new shower curtain

   i undressed him with my eyes

   Dude that girl that was at the party is dating a little person. He just came in with a mini keg and I laughed at him then he flipped me off with a little person finger and I laughed harder and they made me leave. come and get me...

   The computer just crashed and erased all the work I didn't do this morning.

   I am imperfection perfected.