Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm an elephant Circumcisionist! The money's lousy...but the tips are huge!!

   How many retirees are needed to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.

   I've been trying many different kinds of cheese lately and I began to realize that putting it on a cracker can interfere with subtle differences in the flavors, so I started squirting it into my mouth right from the can.

   in order for ted cruz to clear his name for liking porn on twitter he should have to eat cake in front of everyone like that kid in matilda

   Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

   my uber driver is playing marilyn manson so guess i'm gonna get drunk and put on eye liner tonight

   Uh, rah rah baseball people. Football season's begun. More You can stop now. Thanks.

   Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits, I mean they'd own an ice cream store and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. I don't have time for those meetings.

   If you ever meet Ted Cruz. You schould now think twice about shaking his hand.

   I notice there aren't any BLM, Antifa, or any other social justice protesters out helping Irma victims! Just Trump, Christian's, & FEMA

   All of a sudden no one wants to shake my hand. T.C.

   Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

   The only way the Democrats would do away with Obamacare would be if it required a photo ID to get it.

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special. We just them straight out that they are going to die."

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. I need bail money.

   Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him.

   Did anyone see last night's episode of South Park? It was hilarious how they were making fun of the rednecks and their obsessive-compulsive disorder for working.

   Score one for the good guys! Trump is going to protect the dreamers.